And You Let Her Go

This might sound like mere coincidence to some, and to others it might sound like there's a hidden meaning behind it. But recently I've been stumbling across Passenger's song Let Her Go on Spotify. Every time I turn on my Spotify app and press the "shuffle play" button, that song quickly comes across.

And I can't help but hear those same words over and over again:

You only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go.

It makes me think hard on those words. I know if I love her (M), I'll let her go. Not our friendship, never that. But I know she's heterosexual. I know she loves a guy (heck, she's got a boyfriend!). And I want the best for her. I want her happy. I want her to have a relationship with the guy of her dreams.

But it doesn't halt the fact that I still have a crush on her. But because of my love for her, I want her happy. So I always think, whenever she speaks about her boyfriend or about whatever guy she happens to crush on at the moment, "She's happy. So I'm happy. As long as it makes her happy."

I care about her happiness. It's true. However, I still can't shake off that feeling I get whenever her current boyfriend gets into our conversation or whatever. That feeling of a small drop of jealousy about the whole thing. But I instantly think of how happy she is because of him, and it makes me happy to know that she is happy.

Yet, even if I care about her happiness, I keep at a distance. For her sake and my own. I'm almost certain she suspects I like her, although she tries to deny it to me. But I can't stop the feeling, and neither can she. I can only control it and just let her go.

This is right when Passenger should be singing:

And you let her go.

God bless,

Ximena

Speaking about my Crush to B

I spilled to one of my siblings, B, that I have a crush on a girl. B acted all excited, but I'm almost certain B really wasn't all that excited about it. I know B too well. And when B acts the way she acted today, I'm almost certain B's going to tell.

Anyway, she instantly guessed that I'm bi. I corrected her, "Bi-romantic." Although I did confess to B that I sometimes worry that I'll turn out to be homosexual.

I mean, it's not that I'm worried about having to re-classify myself under a different sexual orientation (although that sounds like it'll be a pain in the ass to re-do my sexual orientation name). Nor is it that I'm worried about being sexually attracted to anyone.

I think it's more that I'm worried about how many things would come from classifying myself as homosexual. Ever. I'm almost certain that if I ever felt sexual attraction, I'd prefer classifying myself as gray-asexual rather than homosexual simply because of the fact that it'll produce less hatred towards myself. (Not only that, I think if I ever experienced sexual attraction, I'd easily have the choice of considering myself either gray-asexual or homosexual.)

But, anyway, that being said... I wonder how I'd ever deal with being homosexual if that ever happened. And I always can't help but worry about it. I mean, how can I not worry about some bad things which could happen tomorrow? How can I not worry about turning out to be homosexual (or gray-ace as I would so label myself), and having to deal with the hatred from both sides? Whether one side that wants me to marry and the other side that condemns me for who I am?

This is one of the reasons why I hate thinking about what could've been my sexuality, people. This is one of the many reasons why.

But I have strayed from what I was originally speaking about. B thought I was homosexual since I had mentioned that I just might turn out to be that and am closer to being sexually attracted to the same sex than I am to the opposite sex. But I told B that, no, I only might be homo. And I still feel like I would call myself gray-ace anyway.

But as the conversation went on, B begged to know who the girl is (I knew she was going to do that. Like I said, I know B too well). I kept refusing to tell her that it was M, and I told her straight out that I have not told anyone who. Not the priest I confessed to, not T, not anybody. All anybody knows is that I have a crush on a girl. Nobody knows who yet. And I think everyone, even the priest and God, knows that I don't ever want to tell anyone who it exactly is.

For starters, mentioning her name would just make me desperate for her and make me wonder: Why not her and I together? Why couldn't she have been the same as me (an ace or at least a homosexual)? Why did I have to fall for a girl? Why am I a failure at love? Why? Why? Why?

Keeping her name silent, at least for the time being, keeps me happy. I know I have a crush on her, but at the same time I know to honor my promise to God of not dating her or any girl. If anyone else knew her name (other than my parish priest)... I just don't know what I would do. I think things would get worse for me and I'd really begin realizing "I'm not like everybody else". As it is, I'm happy with people not knowing my crush's name. I'm happy that I can have the crush and still be faithful to God. I'm happy that I can be as normal as possible without anyone ever knowing M's true name.

I can only hope I have strength for when I might have to tell my parish priest her name. Even if I can't do the same for a relative or any friend of mine.

God bless,

Ximena

A Random Thought: Asexual Humor

Today I randomly thought about how it'd be like to experience sexual attraction towards a girl. And it made me think, "What would I call myself afterwards?" Because, really, what would I consider myself after experiencing such an incident if it actually happened to me?

Would I still call myself asexual anyway? Or would I call myself gray-asexual? Or would a more appropriate label be "gray-sexual"? Or would "demisexual" be a better name simply because I most likely wouldn't experience sexual attraction except if deep emotional attachment to the person is involved? Would I afterwards have to consider calling myself homosexual? Or would I have to consider calling myself "bisexual", simply because of the fact that I just might experience sexual attraction towards a guy someday? Or would I have to consider naming myself "pansexual" because of not knowing if I'd turn out to be such?

Now thinking about it, my brain hurts. I'd rather not think about this unless it actually happens to me.

Sorry about this weird humor today. I have a strange mind today. (But don't I always?)

Bigot and Its Definition

I've noticed nowadays that so many people throw the word "bigot" around so often to the point that when an actual act of bigotry has been done, people question if the person is exaggerating the truth.

So here I am! Trying to fix up this problem of the word "bigotry" being used (even though most of humanity will probably not listen to me...). But for those of you who hear, please stay and listen!:

Bigotry, by definition, means:

A person who is intolerant toward those holding different opinions. (Google)

A person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance. (Mirriam-Webster Dictionary)

So, the real definition of what makes a bigot a bigot is the fact that he/she is intolerant of others' viewpoints or otherwise hates and is very, very intolerant towards a particular group. So what many people call out as "bigotry" isn't really "bigotry". What the people's viewpoint of the word is this:

Bigotry means anyone who disagrees with this particular opinion.

That has clearly strayed away from the true meaning of it.

Take me in two different lights for example:

I am Ximena, and I am against gay marriage. (Opinion)

I am Ximena, and I am for gay marriage. (Opinion)

Now let's see both of me in the real definition of bigotry:

I am Ximena, and I am against gay marriage and I will never tolerate gays. I f***ing hate them! They are all going to hell and I will never help a gay no matter what! (Bigoted version)

I am Ximena, and I am for gay marriage and I will not tolerate the opinion of those who disagree with me. Their opinions are so f***ed up. They say I'm going to hell for promoting love?! MWAHAHAHA I'm going to show them what it means to be hated. (Bigoted version)

In both versions, both are examples of bigots. Both can transform into acts of bigotry.

Granted, there are cases of rebellion just to prove your loyalty to your opinion nevertheless. Like when Arizona said it was OK to refuse gays service and somebody decided to protest against that by putting up a sign saying "We hold the right to refuse service to legislators." (I agreed with them! I don't care that I'm against gay marriage, I'd still serve a gay couple just like I serve everybody else.) Or when a gay couple walks into a Catholic Church and asks to be married yet the priest says "No" because of his religious beliefs (I also agree with this because of my own personal beliefs).

These are examples of non-bigoted ways of proving that you are devoted to your opinion. Because having an opinion doesn't mean you are bigoted. What you do with your opinion can transform you from a person with an opinion to a person filled with hatred.

I've met bigoted people from both sides of this spectrum. One is so devoted to her own opinion that gay marriage is OK to the point she became completely intolerant of another's viewpoint and wanted to do all sorts of, ah, hateful things towards others who disagreed with her. On the other hand, I know another person who is completely against gay marriage and is so against gays to the point she believes all of them are going to hell. And she refuses to listen to my viewpoint that not all gays go to hell, just like not all straights go to heaven, and she refuses to even speak with a gay. She'd rather they all suffer in hell.

I have seen bigotry and I have seen opinions. Learn the difference between both and then we can all learn to listen to each other's opinions better. (But if there's actual bigotry going on, then we have the right to react immediately! But, please, learn the difference first before launching out the word "bigot".)

All right, thanks for reading and have a great day!

God bless,

Ximena

If 1% of the World's Population is Asexual...

Our world's population is at, approximately, 7 billion. Out of this number, approximately 70 million are asexual. So if I'm going by those numbers and am thinking about marrying a Catholic asexual guy someday who agrees with my Catholic beliefs, heck, I'll probably have plenty of available hotties!

But with as many standards as I hold for my future Prince Charming?

I'm doomed.

What Would the Catholic Church say about Asexual Marriage?

It is a common question of Catholic asexuals (and even some non-Catholic asexuals) to ask: "Well, what would the Catholic Church say about asexual marriage? But in reality, it's pretty much already set about asexual marriage, although you have to study Catholic Church teachings in order to see that.

Let me explain:

The Catechism of the Catholic Church itself says that one must willing to procreate, and love must be present in the marriage. If two people were forced into a marriage by their parents, they have the right to annul their marriage because this makes their marriage invalid. If the couple refuses to procreate, the marriage is invalid immediately.

In other words, since most asexuals in an asexual marriage refuse to procreate, then the marriage is invalid in the Catholic Church's eyes. So the Church will most likely say "No" to an asexual marriage unless they write a letter to their local Bishop/priest (whichever the Catholic Church decides to consider appropriate) promising to procreate. This does not mean the couple will be forced to have constant sex, but rather means that they will be willing to answer God's Call to procreate. The Catholic Church doesn't give a set of rules saying "You must have sex daily/weekly", but rather says to do so in order to procreate and nothing more.

Now, no matter what, the Catholic Church will always consider a marriage between two asexual men or two asexual women an invalid marriage. Because the Catholic Church says that the act of homosexuality (not the desire, but the act) is a sin. And even if they promised to not have sex, the Church will still treat it as they would treat gay marriage: that it must not be permitted under any circumstances whatsoever. So a marriage between two asexual men or two asexual women will always be considered invalid in the Church's eyes.

Now, when you read about the Catholic Church, you see that the Catholic Church will permit a heterosexual marriage when one can not procreate for medical reasons, because this is not willfully done. However, the Church still asks them to either devote their lives to working for God or for them to adopt kids to fulfill this loss of procreation. In this type of case, asexuals can also marry as well. But they must be willing to serve God or to otherwise adopt children to fulfill the lack of procreation.

But what about when an asexual and a sexual person marry one another? The same rules apply. However, I must state a few things:

I have read about a few marriages/relationships between asexuals and allosexuals (aka sexuals), and the asexual person has permitted the allosexual person to have sex outside of wedlock/relationship. Now, no matter what, the Catholic Church disbelieves in sex outside of wedlock. So this type of issue will always be invalid. This type of unfaithfulness will always make a marriage invalid in the Catholic Church's eyes, and the Church will be willing to annul the marriage because of the issue of one breaking the wedding vows by being in another sexual relationship, the other breaking the wedding vows by refusing the act of procreation.

Another issue the Catholic Church will be against is the act of masturbating in replacement of procreating. However, if the asexual still procreates regularly with his/her spouse, the Church will not consider the marriage invalid. It is when the asexual person completely refuses procreation and instead uses masturbating as a replacement that it will be considered an invalid marriage. But if the asexual person simply masturbates in his/her free time while complying with his/her marriage vows? Well, no doubt, the Catholic Church considers masturbating a sin (under all circumstances, no matter the sexual orientation of the person), but masturbating does not make a marriage invalid. What makes a marriage invalid in the Catholic Church is failure of keeping the marriage vows made or failure of compliance with Catholic Church teachings (e.g. A mixed marriage where one or both parents refuse to raise the children Catholic).

So, there you have it! I have used what I have studied of Catholic Church teachings to speak about asexual marriage, all using Catholic resources such as the Catechism of the Catholic Church's teachings and applying it to this. The only thing which is mine is the idea of a Bishop or priest having to approve the marriage, which I included because the Catholic Church already does this with mixed marriages. Why wouldn't they do something very similar  with asexual marriages if some asexuals are willing to comply with procreation? I do not believe the Catholic Church would be cruel enough to say "No" to all asexual marriages, only certain ones.

Anyway, you've seen me apply my Theological mind with sexual orientation (two of my most favorite topics!). I hope this clears up some misunderstandings and helps you all in your journeys!

God bless,

Ximena

Worries about Force of Coming Out of the Closet

I spoke to a sibling of mine, T. I told T that I have a crush on a girl (T didn't know about it at all). But what did T tell me?

"oh i see. lol"

And I can't help but wonder if T's planning to tell our parents about my sexual orientation. Mostly because I asked T: "You won't tell our parents about it, will you?" T didn't answer.

I had been thinking about it earlier and, like the person I am, I thought of a worst-case scenario. I imagined my Mom waking me up in the middle of the night, telling me: "T told me you're not heterosexual." And I imagined myself repeating the word "freakin'" over and over in my response to her:

"Why do you freakin' care? I'm not a freakin' heterosexual. So freakin' what? I've known I'm not a freakin' hererosexual for five freakin' years. I just didn't freakin' open up to people about it till freakin' now..."

Yeah. Worst-case scenario. And that's really just me being bitchy in my mind. To be honest, it would run more along these lines:

"Mom, I've never told you this, but I'm not heterosexual. I never have been. I've tried and tried to make sure I was straight, but I'm not. And I'm not even homosexual."

"What are you then?" Mom gets curious.

I gulp. "I'm asexual." I pause. Then continue, "It means I experience a lack of sexual attraction. But I'm not exempt from romantic attractions."

"So you're still attracted to guys?"

I turn away. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Hours later, when I arrive home from work, Mom greets me with the words, "Your siblings told me you have a crush on a girl."

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"Why do you have a crush on a girl? You know it's a sin."

"I spoke with the priest, and he said it's not a sin."

"Where are you getting these ideas? Why do you think this is totally acceptable?"

That's when I show all available evidence from Catholic resources such as the group for Catholic LGBT (approved by Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI, and which Pope Francis approves of although indirectly), Courage.

It would run along those lines, albeit with lines from my Mom in which she protests that I somehow asked and chose to be homo-romantically attracted and probably a bit of fighting. She'd probably even call a local priest if it gets unbearable for her, and would have to discover through the priest that it's okay. (On second thought, what would happen is a worst-case scenario!)

But thinking of all of this, I wonder if I should've even told T about my crush on a girl, although indirectly implied. But, then again, if I had withheld it? I think I'd have felt bad to not speak with a Catholic who believes like I do about my feelings.

Although, what if T forces me to come out of the closet by spilling to our Mom that I'm probably lesbian (which isn't true, but T really believes I'm not asexual). I wonder if any of you deal with issues of siblings forcing you to come out? Or at least the worry about it?

God bless,

Ximena

P.S. I found out I have some readers here, although anonymous. I'd love to hear from you and learn about your experiences, whether you are of a different sexual orientation or are a family member/friend of one who is of a different sexual orientation! Feel free to shoot me an e-mail saying "Hi"! All messages will be kept confidential unless any of you request doing a guest post or would like to promote your own story using this blog. I hope to hear from you!

It's Christmas: My Merry Christmas Message To You

Well, y'all, it's Christmas. That time of year when we all gather around with family and friends before the tree wrapped with presents, have a dinner together, and just celebrate the joy of the season.

Don't you just love Christmas? Every year, I've always looked forward to it. Mostly because that's part of one of the few times of year when everybody exchanges gifts, but also because it's a time when we can all get together and rejoice because Jesus tells us to rejoice! God sent angels to the shepherds, who were in turn singing, "Glory to God in the highest! And on earth peace to men of good will!"

I sometimes imagine the shock in the shepherd's eyes when they beheld such a wondrous, joyful sight. I imagine they were shocked to be so low yet to be visited and told by God's Messengers to Rejoice! Because unto them today is born a Savior, Who is Christ the Lord. And, most importantly, He chose to be born in a place where they could have the right to see Him, the King of Kings. And then they hear the beautiful chorus of angels singing to them, in harmonious voices, telling them in such a joyful way to rejoice and to go see the source of this joy: Jesus.

I think we should all keep in mind, whether you are atheist or Christian or any other belief, that this is a time of rejoicing. This is the time of year when we gather around to celebrate the joy of this time of year. There are so many celebrations going on around the world at this time of the year, and I honestly don't believe that any one of you is excluded from the joy of this winter holiday (or should I say holy day, just because I'm very spiritual and religious?).

I hope that, whoever you are and wherever you are in the world today, that you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays.

God bless,

Ximena

A Bible Verse For Those Who Are Questioning Their Sexuality

When I discovered I was asexual, I was fairly down about it. Because I thought, "Wow, I'm not a normal sexual orientation. I'm not normal. And no one will accept me as an asexual person." (But, really, who is normal? Who is completely accepting?)

So my self-esteem dropped tremendously. I felt like I was in the wrong somehow. I couldn't help but feel incredibly depressed and lost and alone in all of my feelings.

But then I prayed and prayed to God, asking Him to guide me. I asked Him to help me in everything I was feeling and in everything that I am. And then afterwards I turned to the Bible and opened up to this:

My son, with humility have self-esteem; prize yourself as you deserve. (Sirach 10:27)

It really helped me a lot. Just stumbling across that verse made me realize that God wants me to accept myself as I am, but He also wants me to follow Him. I know I stumbled across another verse also which told me to be happy and joyful about myself, although I can't remember which one that was. But when I read those verses, I felt incredibly enlightened and realized that God really does care about me no matter my sexual orientation.

Now, I don't care if any of you guys agree or disagree with gay marriage or if any of you guys believe or disbelieve in a Creator; but, really, God doesn't want any (and I repeat with emphasis: ANY) of you sad about your sexual orientation. He wants you happy and joyful at all times! It doesn't matter who you are as a person. In God's eyes, you are much more than any label you or others may place on you. You are God's child! We are all God's children! Let's all stop treating each other like we're superior or inferior because of our sexual orientations and realize instead that God loves each and every one of us no matter who or what we are!

May God bless you,

Ximena

Learning Patience isn't My Specialty

So I spoke with M last night. We chatted for several hours and I thought it was just amazing. This might sound cheesy, but I also told her I have a crush on a girl, which I have a tendency to tell my crushes (although I never told her who, exactly!). When I told her about it, she told me that she agreed with the priest I confessed to. And she afterwards told me to be careful because she cares about me (she's against gay marriage as well).

But when she told me that, I thought:

Oh, if you only knew!

You know, it's really a strange thought for me to have a crush on a girl. I've always felt some romantic attraction towards them, but I've never had a crush on one before. It's an interesting thing.

I also wanted to speak with another friend about it and began telling her a little bit about it. But she afterwards told me "I'm the wrong person you should tell about all of this." Y'see, she's for gay marriage; I'm not. But I just really, really wanted to chat with somebody about it. I mean, I don't freakin' care that I disagree with gay marriage! That doesn't mean I can't love a girl like I do right now!

The problem is that only certain people know about my crush on a girl. I want to tell someone else about my crush, but I'm worried that they'll get too concerned to the point they'll blab to my parents rather than let me come out to my parents myself.

I know that, last week, the priest told me to speak with my parish priest about my different sexual orientation. And I want to, but the only chance I'll get to talk with him is on Saturday when I regularly go to confession with him. But when you have a crush, whether on a guy or a girl, even a few days feels like forever! So it's hard for me to refrain from speaking to any of my friends about my crush and about my different sexual orientation. Not that it has ever been easy, but still. It's hard!

I know I should be learning patience with this issue, but I'm bad at learning patience. And like I said: when you have a crush, even a few days feels like forever. I can try, but it'll be a painful cross to bear. A truly painful one to bear.

I can't wait to speak with my parish priest about all of this!

Has this, or anything similar, ever happened to any of you?

God bless,

Ximena

Crushes are weird

Strange. I thought of M again today and I feel the longing for her again. I feel like my mind's going haywire! I can't stop thinking about M! And when I do, I'm only reminded of her a short while later one way or another. Whether by my words, another's words, or by whatever other possible way!

Crushes are weird sometimes.

Understanding Asexuality At Its Core: Part 3 of 3

Warning: Sex is mentioned here, although not explicitly. You have been warned!

So, here I am again! Ready to finish up the Understanding Asexuality At Its Core trilogy (or whatever name they use for a three-part blog series...).

Q. Do people choose to be asexual?

A. Like other sexual orientations, Asexuality isn't a choice. Granted, some people believe asexuality can be a choice sometimes (I believe this way, for example). But many believe it is natural for all asexuals.

Q. What should I do or say if someone I love comes out as asexual to me?

A. First off: Don't panic! Really, please don't. Asexuality doesn't mean the one you love has changed. It simply means that the person has recognized that there is a name for what he/she has always felt. I strongly suggest that you don't question the person's asexuality unless the person actually wishes to discuss his or her asexuality. Many, many asexuals I know would rather not discuss it with others unless for promoting awareness of it (with me, I could talk about it all day long! But I'm not "everybody").

Be certain that you are understanding when someone comes out to you as asexual. It doesn't mean that the person's broken. It simply means that the person experiences no sexual attraction. Nothing to fear!

Q. Last, but not least, why are you guys raising awareness about Asexuality?

A. We raise asexual awareness because many times people are confused by asexuality. Even I was confused about asexuality when I first heard about it. And why? Because there wasn't much about asexuality. Because there's almost nobody answering these questions about asexuality and almost no resources for it. What we are trying to do by raising awareness is let the truth be heard about our sexuality. We are trying to instruct people about what asexuality is and replace the myths with the truths.

And what are some of the best ways to spread awareness? By coming out to somebody, speaking about your sexual orientation (even if just to a family member or a friend), creating a blog specifically about asexuality,... there are a million suggestions on asexual blogs and websites out there! And if you can come up with a way, even better! The more we spread awareness, the better!

If you need more resources, just google Asexual or check out the AVEN website for more info about asexuality and what it means to be asexual.

All right. Take care and God bless!

Ximena

A Walled Love

I often feel like, although I Iove my crush, M, I just have a walled rock in my heart preventing me from having deep love for her. It might sound crazy, but years ago I placed that wall in my heart.

When I was 12, I wondered why I hadn't had a crush on any guy. It was a strange thought. But after a while, I suddenly felt homo-romantic attractions. I was so frightened about the feelings. I begged God to take them away from me, because I truly believed it was sinful to be homosexual, or what I thought were signs of homosexuality.

After that time, I placed a "wall of rock" around my heart just to prevent myself from ever loving a girl deeply. Ever. So now loving M, I feel like I do have a crush on her. But every time I think of her and about my small crush on her, I suddenly feel like I hit a mental wall which prevents me from loving her even more.

I mean, no kidding, I think if she had turned out to be homosexual, the wall would've broken for sure. But, all the same, I feel strange to have a mental wall I formed about 5 years ago still present.

To be honest, I wish I had spoken to a priest about my homo-romantic desires years ago (I was a very self-controlled person years ago. I think I took it way too far). If I had told somebody, I'd have discovered it wasn't wrong. But then where would I be today?

It's hard to think of all of this without wondering "What if?" What if I had made a different decision? Why did I form so many mental walls for myself all those years ago? Why did I feel so ashamed about everything I felt and thought? How come I felt like I was so much in the wrong in everything and had to be overly self-controlled? Even towards things which aren't sinful?

I sometimes think that if I had made a different decision, I'd have thought of myself as homosexual and that I'd have eventually discovered that I was really gray-asexual. I sometimes think that if I had permitted it, I'd have had the choice to choose between the name "bi-romantic homosexual" or "bi-romantic gray-asexual". I'd have developed some sexual attraction towards the same sex.

But really, who can tell? Who am I to say what things would've changed? Who am I to say what I would've been? For all I know, I'd have been asexual all the same. I can only guess according to what I remember.

Now this isn't to say I hate being asexual. I think it's awesome that I never have to deal with the idea of being sexually attracted to anyone (although I'm open to sexual attraction, I still haven't felt it at all towards anyone). But I sometimes wonder how things would've changed if I had taken another path in life. If I had changed just one single thing about myself. Would I have been different? And in what way?

Have any of you ever felt this way? I hope I'm not alone in feeling this way!

God bless,

Ximena

I Miss Her

I miss her. I miss when she'd speak to me and tell me everything about her.

I just miss her. Is that wrong to admit? To admit that I miss the girl I love?

Granted, what I feel towards her is a small crush, but that doesn't eliminate the fact that I love her to death regardless. Every day I check to see if she's emailed me or will contact me in any way. I check to see if she'll want to talk with me. Whenever she does speak to me, I feel giddy. I feel so happy and joyful! Just receiving a message from her enlightens me.

But when she ignores me? And goes to speak with other people? I get jealous! I often wish we could talk forever and ever and ever and not stop. That we'd be very close to one another, closer than even I would've thought possible. And I feel like it's sometimes unfair that she had to be heterosexual and I had to be stuck with the bi-romantic attraction.

Is it strange that I miss her so much? Is it strange that I miss her every day, whether I hear from her or not?

I know I've often said I'll never marry another of the same sex because of my Catholic beliefs, despite how many people tell me I should satisfy my desires and get into a relationship with a girl I love. But, even if I don't want to get into a relationship with someone of the same sex, I can't help but feel an aching in my heart. An ache which makes me wonder why the girl I love couldn't have been homosexual or even a bi-romantic asexual. Then she'd understand my feelings towards her and sympathize, even if she disagreed to get into a relationship with me.

But she doesn't know. And, despite my love for her, I thank God every day that He had her stay heterosexual. If she had been otherwise, I'd have probably been more deeply in love with her than I already am. I'd have been more desperate for her love.

I know it will never be. I know I will never be the one for her. I know I've told God I will only marry a guy if I marry. But like I told the priest I spoke to recently, "But after this," (this meaning "love for a girl") "I'm not sure I even want to marry anymore."

And even if I've told a priest and God this, I can't help but wonder...

What if?

Is it wrong for me to think this way?

On Coming Out to Parents

I often wonder what it'd be like to tell my parents "I'm not heterosexual. I'm not even homosexual. I'm actually asexual with bi-romantic tendencies." I wonder if they'd be shocked? Would they react the way my best friends and my siblings did? Or will they be quick to judge?

Earlier this year, I found out I was asexual. It was in January when I found out. I remember emailing one of my best guy friends, complaining about how it was. Telling him I once believed myself to be lesbian years ago. He was accepting, albeit he didn't understand my non-acceptance of myself. I was disappointed, but I was ready to continue on with my life. Eventually I thought I had "turned back into a straight". But months later, May to be exact, I decided to delve into asexuality more. And it made sense! Suddenly my sexual orientation made so much sense to me, and I was thrilled to discover I wasn't alone!

But, at the same time, I realized that many people wouldn't want to accept me as I am. So I decided to keep it "Hush-hush", until I told my best friend ever about it.

I'll admit, even thinking about admitting my asexuality to someone felt like a threat to me. I was so worried that my best friend wouldn't accept me and that we'd eventually drift apart until our friendship would be gone with the wind (no pun intended).

Well, I finally told her I wasn't heterosexual. I was an asexual-bisexual (as I so labeled myself at the time). She was shocked, but she willingly accepted me as I was. And I can't thank her enough for that because I soon after opened up to many more friends about my asexuality, starting on June 6.

But now that I have confirmed that I am a bi-romantic asexual with my latest crush, I wonder whether I should tell my parents. After all, my siblings already know I'm asexual. Several of my friends know I'm a bi-romantic asexual.

At the same time, though, I'm worried about what would happen after I tell them the truth. Would they be devastated? Would they tell me on a constant basis that I'm just forcing myself to be something I'm not? Or will they accept me and simply tell me to embrace the Catholic Church's teachings?

It's hard to say. I want to tell them about my bi-romantic attractions, but I'm scared of their response. Because what if it doesn't end the way I want it to? The way I wish it would end?

I'm sure many of you have dealt with this struggle before. I'm certain I'm not alone in these feelings of being put aside just because of my differing, somewhat "taboo" sexuality. I'm certain many of you know how it is to want to open up, or to have already opened up to a loved one. So sharing my feelings about this, I feel, isn't preaching but rather stating a fact which everyone who is of a different orientation goes through (Unless your parents are gay or bisexual or the like. Then you probably never deal with that, although it's hard for me to tell. I'm pretty sure you deal with other sorts of problems).

On one side, it's good to come out of the closet to people you know and love. On another side, it can hurt you if you are abandoned and left alone afterwards just because you're different.

So, will I open up to my parents? Most likely. But I know that's going to be a difficult road to take. I know they'll be shocked to discover I'm not heterosexual. But I hope they can take it and accept the fact one step at a time.

God bless,

Ximena

Coming Out (somewhat!)

So, just recently I went to Confession and confessed to the priest that I wasn't even heterosexual. I didn't state that I was a bi-romantic asexual, so I think he thought I was homosexual when I told him I had feelings for a girl. And I asked him if it was a sin (because that was what I didn't understand at all). He told me that it wasn't a sin at all, and that the Catholic Church doesn't discriminate me because of my desires. Instead, they have a group for individuals like me (or what he probably thought were me, aka homosexuals).

Now I really didn't just discover all of this. The only new thing I discovered was that it isn't a sin for me to have a crush on a girl. Other than that, I knew the rest. I know that the Catholic Church doesn't discriminate against me. I know the Catholic Church doesn't consider homosexuality a sin, but rather considers the desire "disordered" just like how other desires towards wrong are disordered, (e.g. a priest lusting over a married woman).

But as I confessed to the priest, I felt a relief off my shoulders. I know he told me to remain celibate, but I don't think he realizes that celibacy isn't going to be my problem in later life (that's okay though! I wouldn't have realized it either). After all, I've never been sexually attracted to either sex in my life. I've only been romantically attracted to both guys and girls.

No, one of my main problems right now (and in later life, of course) is telling my parents about it. No kidding, they're great parents! Very holy people and the best parents I could've asked for. But, they both believe that homosexuality is a person's choice. They often tell me stories of how people who are homosexual somehow become straight and apply this logic to all homosexuals. I don't completely disagree with that logic (after all, I just might turn straight tomorrow or even homosexual), but I don't completely agree with it either. I don't think everybody who turns out to be homosexual chooses to be homosexual, just like I don't think every straight has always been straight.

So do I believe homosexuality is a choice? Yes and no. Because sometimes it is a choice, sometimes it's not.

But the only way I can tell my parents that is by showing them the Catechism, the Catholic support group for people of other sexual orientations, and by dealing with whatever arguments come up from them. Yet, I'll first have to come up with a reason why I've brought up the subject. In other words, I might have to tell them I'm not heterosexual. I'm a bi-romantic ace (nickname for asexuals).

I'd rather deal with that later though. Right now? All I want to do is grab a nice book to read and listen to music tonight.

God bless,

Ximena

Understanding Asexuality At Its Core, Part 2 of 3

Warning: Sex is mentioned here, although not explicitly. You have been warned!

Well! I'm back for more of asexuality at its core! On to some of the common questions about it!:

Q. Do asexuals experience sexual arousal?

A. To be honest, it is not uncommon for an asexual person to experience sexual arousal. To be even more honest, this was one of my own first questions about asexuality, because I really believed that asexuals never experience sexual arousal. But some of us do! Granted, there are some asexuals who never or rarely experience sexual arousal in their lifetime. But it is possible for us to experience it as well!

Q. So, do asexuals have libido/low sex drive?

A. The answer is that some of us do and some of us don't. Not all asexuals have a low sex drive! Asexuality, as I have mentioned, simply means that we experience no sexual attraction at all. However, there are asexuals who report having a high sex drive!

So, don't classify all asexuals into one category! We're each unique, just like any other person in another sexual orientation is unique!

Q. Do asexuals believe all sex is wrong?

A. Once again, each asexual is different! The only thing we all really share in common is our lack of sexual attraction. So some asexuals may believe all sex is wrong, some asexuals may believe all sex is socially acceptable, and others believe certain sex options are okay whilst others are wrong (and I think most of you will be relieved to find out that most asexuals fall into the last two categories!).

However, asexuals themselves may not desire sex at all because of a lack of sexual attraction to anyone, even if they have a partner. As I have previously said, each asexual is different and unique. Some will be completely okay with having sex. Others will not be completely accepting. Each and every one of us are different in beliefs, just like with other sexual orientations!

Q. It sounds like Asexuality is caused by some trauma or mental illness. Is my assumption correct?

A. People who are traumatized by any event in their life don't necessarily have no sexual attraction. Asexuality isn't caused by a traumatizing event, nor is it caused by an illness. Many people who have been through traumatizing events still self-identify as their original sexual orientation. Just like many people with mental illness feel sexually attracted towards the same or opposite sex.

However, what can happen with a traumatizing event is that the person begins questioning their sexual orientation. This doesn't make them asexual. A person who is traumatized by rape can become sex-repulsed, but sex-repulsed and the lack of sexual attraction are two entirely different issues. Sex-repulsion is something which even people who have never been traumatized can go through, people who forever identify as heterosexual and homosexual yet feel afraid of sex or try to deny its existence. Asexuality does not mean this, but simply a lack of sexual attraction. As I have mentioned, many asexuals are excited about having sex for the first time. They're just not sexually attracted to anyone in particular.

Q. So Asexuality is not comparable with sex-repulsion?

A. Correct. Although an asexual person, like anyone else, can feel sex-repulsed, this does not mean that every asexual is sex-repulsed.

Q. But shouldn't asexuals not identify as asexual until they have had sex?

A. Not necessarily. Many heterosexuals and homosexuals already identify as such without ever having sex.

Q. When should you identify as asexual?

A. If you feel certain you are asexual, then you can make the decision to identify as one! But sometimes it's best not to identify as one at a young age, in my opinion. I know several people who never felt sexual attraction until they were between the ages of 16 and 18. In my opinion, it's best to wait around that time to see if you are truly asexual. But if you're a 14 year old who is certain that you're asexual, feel free to self-identify as such! The "age group decision" is more of an opinionated idea than anything else, because many heterosexuals identify as heterosexual once they turn 12, and the same goes with other sexual orientations. It's really your decision to make.

Well, I have to go right now. Hope this has helped you a lot in discovering the truth about Asexuality!

God bless,

Ximena

Understanding Asexuality At Its Core, Part 1 of 3

Warning: Some talk about sex is mentioned below (In case some people don't want to delve in too far in that).

I recently read this book about asexuality, Understanding Asexuality by Anthony Bogaert, and it surprisingly got me thinking more deeply about my asexuality. I mean, I thought I knew practically everything there was to know about my asexuality, but the shocking part of his book blew me away! It's that paraphilia can be included in asexuality! Oooo!

It's actually interesting to think about (although, personally, I'm a bit iffy about paraphilia being included), and it got me thinking about writing this blog in which I delve deeper into asexuality.

Q. So what is asexuality?

A. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. Now, be careful! Some sites will say "lack of sexual attraction towards someone" (which may be, in part, why Bogaert includes paraphilia in his book as part of the asexual orientation), and other sites will simple say "lack of sexual attraction".

Although asexual means something different in biological terms, this is the term used when referring to a sexual orientation. So if someone tells you "I'm asexual!", don't respond "You mean you can't reproduce through sexual organs?" (Seriously, please don't. I'd die from laughter.)

But now is where the tricky part comes from. You see, most people who first hear about asexuality instantly think "I'm not asexual then!" Why? Because oftentimes our romantic orientations can confuse us so we strongly believe that our sexual orientations are also our romantic orientations and vice versa. Which is, interestingly, not the case. (I once heard a story where a heterosexual was homo-romantically inclined. That was interesting, but it's very possible.)

So let me clarify that there are romantic orientations in every sexual orientation. And, yes, even in the asexual orientation. Asexuality simply means a "lack of sexual attraction ('to someone', if you want to keep with Bogaert's suggestion)". It never says anything about not being able to feel romantically inclined.

So let me name a few of the most well-known romantic orientations:

Hetero-romantic — Romantic attraction towards the opposite sex.

Homo-romantic — Romantic attraction towards the same sex.

Bi-romantic — Romantic attraction towards both sexes.

Gray-romantic — One who doesn't experience romantic attraction too often.

A-romantic — One who does not experience romantic attraction.

Demi-romantic — One who experiences romantic attraction only when he/she and said person have a deep emotional bond with one another.

These are just to name a few. I know many, and I repeat: many, asexuals at first decide to choose a complicated label for themselves because it relates to them most. I went through that stage, along with several people online whom I knew. I think it's a common stage for a lot of asexuals. With me, for example, it was one heck of a roller coaster ride! One second, I called myself asexual-bisexual because I thought that I might've had a few instances of sexual attraction towards the same sex when I was younger, albeit I didn't quite understand it. So I decided to label myself as an asexual-bisexual instead of the label of "hetero-romantic, lesbian-oriented, gray-asexual". But like I said, I was confused about the whole sexual attraction level.

Eventually I decided to label myself as an a-romantic, hetero-romantic asexual. Although this label was fairly confusing too, since the appropriate label should've been "gray-romantic asexual". It all got complicated and at one point I thought that maybe I should label myself as "demi-romantic", just for the sake of my slight homo-romantic attraction. But when I explained to a friend that maybe I should label myself as such since I felt like I only fell in love if there was some sort of emotional attachment, my friend responded:

"I think there's emotional attachment in every crush. I don't think there's a single crush that doesn't require at least a little bit of an emotional attachment."

So I finally decided on the simpler label: "Bi-romantic", and I realized that what I once felt when I was younger was nothing more than the beginning of my homo-romantic attraction. One asexual I knew decided to also shorten her romantic attraction name as well, mostly because it confused her to have such a long romantic attraction label for herself.

I think many of us go through that state, that period of confusion about our romantic orientation. We've just got to find our way through, with the help of some friends!

As we go on...

Q. So asexuality can have romantic attractions. Nice. But are asexuals okay with sex? Or do you abhor it deep within your hearts?

A. I'd like to give an appropriate answer, a yes or no, to that question. But if I gave out one or the other in response, it would just confuse you bitterly, and I'd have a crew of asexuals ganging up against me because I gave the wrong answer...

Just kidding! That would never happen. Asexuals are very nice people (most people are nice people—yay!).

But the response to your question would be both yes and no. It really depends upon the asexual. Some asexuals are completely okay with having sex and are even waiting to have sex for the first time! Some asexuals are more curious about sex as a curious thing to ponder about (that fits me pretty well). Other asexuals never want sex and hate hearing about sex (this also fits me well, except about the "hearing about sex" part).

I'd like to say that we, asexuals, are very much like other sexual orientations on the aspect of having sex, but at the same time we really aren't too much like other sexual orientations. For starters, even the asexuals who are willing to have sex and are excited about it still don't feel a sexual attraction towards anyone. So they turn to an alternative way of satisfying their sexual desires (and I hate to say the word): Masturbating.

On the other hand, to say that the asexuals who don't want sex at all are somehow sex-repulsed is very wrong. Some asexuals just don't want sex because of their low sex drive or because they realize that they have little to no sexual needs to be fulfilled, or even desired. So to call them sex-repulsed is wrong unless the asexual actually admits that he or she is sex-repulsed. Otherwise, don't assume that he or she hates sex, or that every asexual hates sex for that reason.

Now, that's all the time I have for now! Till next time!

God bless,

Ximena

I Love Christmas

Do you know what I like most about Christmas? To put it simple: Everything.

I love Christmas. Always have, always will. I love how it's that time of year when you buy countless presents (which I have done!), and I love how it's that time of year to just lay back and watch the Christmas tree light up the room. But it makes me wonder why some of us dismiss this time of year instead of take part in the glory of it?

Let's put it this way: Jesus came in a manger. He came simply so we could have a chance at eternal life. Not to mention, it has been celebrated in the past centuries as the holy day it deserves to be celebrated as. So why do we want to dismiss this beautiful tradition for the liberalistic greeting: Happy Holidays?

Unlike how media places it, tradition can be beautiful. Even I enjoy tradition because it can be beautiful in its own way. Yes, we must dismiss the old bigotry and discrimination of old days, but why dismiss the beautiful old traditions because of the discriminations of the old times? Why dismiss everything just because of the bad of the olden times?

Tradition is beautiful. God is beautiful. There is even beauty in our modernistic society (if only some of us could see it...).

So this year, let's see the beauty of tradition. Let's try and keep our eyes and hearts open to the beautiful traditions and admire the beauty of the season around us.

God bless,
Ximena