(Almost) Forced Out of the Closet

T spoke with me again about my crush on a girl. T just randomly brought it up, because apparently T wants to know who is my girl crush. I kept insisting on not telling though. But then T threatened to tell my parents about it unless if I said M's real name. And I really didn't want to talk about it, but T really wanted to know who it is.

I managed to talk T out of telling on me, but I still wonder why I have to put up with this everyday. I already told God I want to remain celibate. The priest I confessed to told me that it's best to remain celibate. And now T thinks I should talk about my crush when just mentioning her name makes me go desperate?

On top of that, T asked me what exactly I am. T thought I was either lesbian or bisexual. I told T that I'm a bi-romantic asexual, but T really believes I'm not. T really thinks I must be either lesbian or bisexual, not a bi-romantic asexual.

But, goodness! This all sounds so wrong. I know I have a crush on a girl. And I know that that's one of the reasons I want to be celibate unless God calls me to do otherwise (don't try talking me out of celibacy. It won't work). But why do I have to put up with this? Why do I have to put up with constantly thinking about my lack of sexual attraction and about my crush on a girl? Isn't it enough that I deal with that to have to put up with more?

I'm almost certain T's going to tell. One day or another, I'm going to wake up knowing that my parents know I have a crush on a girl. I'm going to wake up regretting the day I was even born, wondering why I couldn't be different. Why I couldn't have just simply been born heterosexual and get everything over with.

But it's not that easy. It never is. I don't know what to do, where to go to next. I just can't wait to go to confession with my parish priest and actually discuss with him about all of this. Because I really don't know where to go to next. I can only pray and hope for everything to go smoothly.

God bless,

Ximena

Coming Out (somewhat!)

So, just recently I went to Confession and confessed to the priest that I wasn't even heterosexual. I didn't state that I was a bi-romantic asexual, so I think he thought I was homosexual when I told him I had feelings for a girl. And I asked him if it was a sin (because that was what I didn't understand at all). He told me that it wasn't a sin at all, and that the Catholic Church doesn't discriminate me because of my desires. Instead, they have a group for individuals like me (or what he probably thought were me, aka homosexuals).

Now I really didn't just discover all of this. The only new thing I discovered was that it isn't a sin for me to have a crush on a girl. Other than that, I knew the rest. I know that the Catholic Church doesn't discriminate against me. I know the Catholic Church doesn't consider homosexuality a sin, but rather considers the desire "disordered" just like how other desires towards wrong are disordered, (e.g. a priest lusting over a married woman).

But as I confessed to the priest, I felt a relief off my shoulders. I know he told me to remain celibate, but I don't think he realizes that celibacy isn't going to be my problem in later life (that's okay though! I wouldn't have realized it either). After all, I've never been sexually attracted to either sex in my life. I've only been romantically attracted to both guys and girls.

No, one of my main problems right now (and in later life, of course) is telling my parents about it. No kidding, they're great parents! Very holy people and the best parents I could've asked for. But, they both believe that homosexuality is a person's choice. They often tell me stories of how people who are homosexual somehow become straight and apply this logic to all homosexuals. I don't completely disagree with that logic (after all, I just might turn straight tomorrow or even homosexual), but I don't completely agree with it either. I don't think everybody who turns out to be homosexual chooses to be homosexual, just like I don't think every straight has always been straight.

So do I believe homosexuality is a choice? Yes and no. Because sometimes it is a choice, sometimes it's not.

But the only way I can tell my parents that is by showing them the Catechism, the Catholic support group for people of other sexual orientations, and by dealing with whatever arguments come up from them. Yet, I'll first have to come up with a reason why I've brought up the subject. In other words, I might have to tell them I'm not heterosexual. I'm a bi-romantic ace (nickname for asexuals).

I'd rather deal with that later though. Right now? All I want to do is grab a nice book to read and listen to music tonight.

God bless,

Ximena