But I rest my case. I'm about as gray-ace as I can get. However, I don't want to anymore call myself by any label. Others may feel safe by calling themselves ace, others still might feel safe by calling themselves homosexual, but I don't like calling myself anything. Instead, give me the example of a guy and a girl who both hold my standards and then I will tell you what I am under those circumstances, as I'll proceed to show you:
Person: Given there are a boy and a girl who share your standards, who would you most likely get into a relationship with?
Me: With the guy. Not just because of my own personal beliefs, but also because I'd feel more romantically attracted to the guy. But I'd most likely feel a slight romantic attraction to the girl because of her holding the standards I require in a guy.
Person: So, who would you most likely feel sexual attracted to?
Me: I'd either feel sexually attracted to neither or feel a slight sexual attraction towards the girl. I've always been open to sexual attraction to guys, but have yet to actually be sexually attracted to guys. Whereas with girls, I feel a slight sexual attraction at times.
So could I be a bi-romantic (or even crazier enough: a hetero-romantic) homosexual? It's possible. But also the way I experience it and am able to get it under control almost instantly... I could also pass quite easily as a gray-ace as well.
Here's the thing: when I was twelve, I controlled my desires so much for girls that I never felt any sexual attraction. I only felt romantic attraction for guys. Any feeling of any sort of attraction towards girls was eliminated almost immediately by my looking downwards (a habit I still seem to carry around as a sort-of "safety badge"). So I considered myself asexual as soon as I learned about asexuality, because of my strong romantic, yet lacking in sexual, attraction to guys. But when I really re-thought my attraction to girls, I wondered, "What if?"
So now what am I going to do? Give people that conversation I just typed out. Or I might call myself a "hetero-romantic homosexual" just to amuse people. Or even better: Call myself a "bi-romantic homosexual—gray-asexual with more of a hetero-romantic attraction yet with traces of a homosexual tendency." But, to avoid any confusion, I want to just label myself as "one who is slightly sexually attracted to the same sex yet is mostly romantically attracted to the opposite sex."
Does that mean I will be deleting this blog just because I've decided on just a simple label which is easily changeable? Not at all! After all, I guess I still fit in the asexual spectrum. And I want there to be asexual awareness anyway, just as I want awareness for every minority group. I just don't want to fit into any category of people. (Did I mention I don't really like labels because I somewhat feel like it's restricting me? Not everyone feels this way, but I kinda do. Therefore I don't want the label anymore, nor any sort of label.) I will keep this blog up for all who want to benefit from my interestingly confusing journey and who wish to understand asexuality more completely. So I won't be deleting this. I'll keep this up, along with all my rants about my confusing sexual orientation. If any of you wish to call me a "gray-ace", "gray-sexual" or even a "homosexual" for your own written purposes or for any other sort of purpose, feel free to use either label! Just notify me before you make such a move. It really doesn't matter to me what label you decide to use for me, but I'd like to clarify for myself that someone's using a specific label for me. Meanwhile, I'll be open to all future possibilities about my sexual orientation.
Anyway, thanks for listening to my rambling. Chat later!
God bless,
Ximena
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