Don't You Worry, Child (Somewhat My Prayer)

A while back I was feeling down about my silly sexual orientation which makes no sense. But suddenly I heard these words in Pentatonix's Save the World/Don't You Worry Child:

...My Father said:

Don't you worry

Don't you worry, child

Heaven's got a plan for you

Don't you worry

Don't you worry, child...

I think God might've wanted me to hear that at that exact moment (emphasis on Father). Especially since I don't understand my sexual orientation. Sometimes I feel like saying "You know what? Let's make this simple. Let's call me a hetero-romantic homosexual and get this all over with." But at the same time, I feel like, "Well, what about the fact that I am at times not sexually attracted to anyone? What then?"

But then I remember those words and think of it as sort of a prayer:

My Father said:

Don't you worry

Don't you worry, child

Heaven's got a plan for you

Don't you worry

Don't you worry, child

I also made a petition at the Church's intentions book. I asked for a specific special intention. I'll give you a hint as to what it pertains to:

It concerns my curiosity about my sexual orientation.

I'd make a point here, but I don't think this is exactly making a point. Just ranting about myself.

Anyway, have a wonderful, lovely  evening!

God bless,

Ximena

Not a Label Anymore

Well! It's been a few days since I last wrote. That's because I've been seriously considering my sexual orientation again (I think too much, really). And I realized that maybe I've been preventing myself from feeling sexual attraction towards anyone. So for about a week, I allowed myself to be open to any sexual attraction to anyone. I felt, and still feel, no sexual attraction towards guys. But I've had instances where I felt slight sexual attraction towards girls. And, as I've always done, I lowered my head to avoid any further thoughts.

But I rest my case. I'm about as gray-ace as I can get. However, I don't want to anymore call myself by any label. Others may feel safe by calling themselves ace, others still might feel safe by calling themselves homosexual, but I don't like calling myself anything. Instead, give me the example of a guy and a girl who both hold my standards and then I will tell you what I am under those circumstances, as I'll proceed to show you:

Person: Given there are a boy and a girl who share your standards, who would you most likely get into a relationship with?

Me: With the guy. Not just because of my own personal beliefs, but also because I'd feel more romantically attracted to the guy. But I'd most likely feel a slight romantic attraction to the girl because of her holding the standards I require in a guy.

Person: So, who would you most likely feel sexual attracted to?

Me: I'd either feel sexually attracted to neither or feel a slight sexual attraction towards the girl. I've always been open to sexual attraction to guys, but have yet to actually be sexually attracted to guys. Whereas with girls, I feel a slight sexual attraction at times.

So could I be a bi-romantic (or even crazier enough: a hetero-romantic) homosexual? It's possible. But also the way I experience it and am able to get it under control almost instantly... I could also pass quite easily as a gray-ace as well.

Here's the thing: when I was twelve, I controlled my desires so much for girls that I never felt any sexual attraction. I only felt romantic attraction for guys. Any feeling of any sort of attraction towards girls was eliminated almost immediately by my looking downwards (a habit I still seem to carry around as a sort-of "safety badge"). So I considered myself asexual as soon as I learned about asexuality, because of my strong romantic, yet lacking in sexual, attraction to guys. But when I really re-thought my attraction to girls, I wondered, "What if?"

So now what am I going to do? Give people that conversation I just typed out. Or I might call myself a "hetero-romantic homosexual" just to amuse people. Or even better: Call myself a "bi-romantic homosexual—gray-asexual with more of a hetero-romantic attraction yet with traces of a homosexual tendency." But, to avoid any confusion, I want to just label myself as "one who is slightly sexually attracted to the same sex yet is mostly romantically attracted to the opposite sex."

Does that mean I will be deleting this blog just because I've decided on just a simple label which is easily changeable? Not at all! After all, I guess I still fit in the asexual spectrum. And I want there to be asexual awareness anyway, just as I want awareness for every minority group. I just don't want to fit into any category of people. (Did I mention I don't really like labels because I somewhat feel like it's restricting me? Not everyone feels this way, but I kinda do. Therefore I don't want the label anymore, nor any sort of label.) I will keep this blog up for all who want to benefit from my interestingly confusing journey and who wish to understand asexuality more completely. So I won't be deleting this. I'll keep this up, along with all my rants about my confusing sexual orientation. If any of you wish to call me a "gray-ace", "gray-sexual" or even a "homosexual" for your own written purposes or for any other sort of purpose, feel free to use either label! Just notify me before you make such a move. It really doesn't matter to me what label you decide to use for me, but I'd like to clarify for myself that someone's using a specific label for me. Meanwhile, I'll be open to all future possibilities about my sexual orientation.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rambling. Chat later!

God bless,

Ximena

Worries about Force of Coming Out of the Closet

I spoke to a sibling of mine, T. I told T that I have a crush on a girl (T didn't know about it at all). But what did T tell me?

"oh i see. lol"

And I can't help but wonder if T's planning to tell our parents about my sexual orientation. Mostly because I asked T: "You won't tell our parents about it, will you?" T didn't answer.

I had been thinking about it earlier and, like the person I am, I thought of a worst-case scenario. I imagined my Mom waking me up in the middle of the night, telling me: "T told me you're not heterosexual." And I imagined myself repeating the word "freakin'" over and over in my response to her:

"Why do you freakin' care? I'm not a freakin' heterosexual. So freakin' what? I've known I'm not a freakin' hererosexual for five freakin' years. I just didn't freakin' open up to people about it till freakin' now..."

Yeah. Worst-case scenario. And that's really just me being bitchy in my mind. To be honest, it would run more along these lines:

"Mom, I've never told you this, but I'm not heterosexual. I never have been. I've tried and tried to make sure I was straight, but I'm not. And I'm not even homosexual."

"What are you then?" Mom gets curious.

I gulp. "I'm asexual." I pause. Then continue, "It means I experience a lack of sexual attraction. But I'm not exempt from romantic attractions."

"So you're still attracted to guys?"

I turn away. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Hours later, when I arrive home from work, Mom greets me with the words, "Your siblings told me you have a crush on a girl."

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"Why do you have a crush on a girl? You know it's a sin."

"I spoke with the priest, and he said it's not a sin."

"Where are you getting these ideas? Why do you think this is totally acceptable?"

That's when I show all available evidence from Catholic resources such as the group for Catholic LGBT (approved by Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI, and which Pope Francis approves of although indirectly), Courage.

It would run along those lines, albeit with lines from my Mom in which she protests that I somehow asked and chose to be homo-romantically attracted and probably a bit of fighting. She'd probably even call a local priest if it gets unbearable for her, and would have to discover through the priest that it's okay. (On second thought, what would happen is a worst-case scenario!)

But thinking of all of this, I wonder if I should've even told T about my crush on a girl, although indirectly implied. But, then again, if I had withheld it? I think I'd have felt bad to not speak with a Catholic who believes like I do about my feelings.

Although, what if T forces me to come out of the closet by spilling to our Mom that I'm probably lesbian (which isn't true, but T really believes I'm not asexual). I wonder if any of you deal with issues of siblings forcing you to come out? Or at least the worry about it?

God bless,

Ximena

P.S. I found out I have some readers here, although anonymous. I'd love to hear from you and learn about your experiences, whether you are of a different sexual orientation or are a family member/friend of one who is of a different sexual orientation! Feel free to shoot me an e-mail saying "Hi"! All messages will be kept confidential unless any of you request doing a guest post or would like to promote your own story using this blog. I hope to hear from you!