(Almost) Forced Out of the Closet

T spoke with me again about my crush on a girl. T just randomly brought it up, because apparently T wants to know who is my girl crush. I kept insisting on not telling though. But then T threatened to tell my parents about it unless if I said M's real name. And I really didn't want to talk about it, but T really wanted to know who it is.

I managed to talk T out of telling on me, but I still wonder why I have to put up with this everyday. I already told God I want to remain celibate. The priest I confessed to told me that it's best to remain celibate. And now T thinks I should talk about my crush when just mentioning her name makes me go desperate?

On top of that, T asked me what exactly I am. T thought I was either lesbian or bisexual. I told T that I'm a bi-romantic asexual, but T really believes I'm not. T really thinks I must be either lesbian or bisexual, not a bi-romantic asexual.

But, goodness! This all sounds so wrong. I know I have a crush on a girl. And I know that that's one of the reasons I want to be celibate unless God calls me to do otherwise (don't try talking me out of celibacy. It won't work). But why do I have to put up with this? Why do I have to put up with constantly thinking about my lack of sexual attraction and about my crush on a girl? Isn't it enough that I deal with that to have to put up with more?

I'm almost certain T's going to tell. One day or another, I'm going to wake up knowing that my parents know I have a crush on a girl. I'm going to wake up regretting the day I was even born, wondering why I couldn't be different. Why I couldn't have just simply been born heterosexual and get everything over with.

But it's not that easy. It never is. I don't know what to do, where to go to next. I just can't wait to go to confession with my parish priest and actually discuss with him about all of this. Because I really don't know where to go to next. I can only pray and hope for everything to go smoothly.

God bless,

Ximena