Three Updates

Well, dear readers, there are many things concerning my sexual orientation which will be private for the time being, so therefore neither you nor anyone else will know about it. But I will tell you three things:

1) I will most probably "come out" to my parents in a few months. This is good news, indeed! I just hope my parents will react well and realize that, as an adult, I have to make my own responsible decisions regarding it.

2) I ask for prayers from all of you. Y'see, one of my girl friends asked me to go watch a movie with her; then have lunch afterwards. Now she knows about my same-sex attractions and is trying to help me out with it. But the thing is, while she's excited and thinking, "Yay! My friend and I are going to hang out!", I'm reminding myself constantly, "It's not a date. It's not a date. We're just two friends hanging out." So... prayers, please? To help me out in my struggle with same-sex attractions (SSA)? And thank you. :)

3) I think I'm finally over my crush on M. Thank God! I thought it'd never end! Now I'm just dealing with "Treat her like you treat your other friends". Dang. Tough after a crush, but okay.

Well, readers, that's all for now. I hope you have a great holiday today!

God bless,

Ximena

Let Her Go (again)

You see her when you close your eyes...

...You see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

'Cause you loved her too much

And you dived too deep...

...Maybe one day you'll understand why...

You... only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go.

Let this be enough for today's blog post.

God bless,

Ximena

I Miss M

Listening to M's favorite singing group. In the car. Hoping I'll receive some sort of message from M sometime soon.

I miss M.

A Dream about M

So yesterday somebody emailed me saying I shouldn't decide to completely label myself as asexual, and that I should wait a while. To be honest, I don't feel like I completely label myself as such. I'm open to sexual attraction, but I haven't felt it yet. And I seriously doubt I ever will. Especially since I have an incredible lack of interest in sexual activity in general. If I ever do experience sexual attraction, I'm sure it'll either be rare or light sexual attraction towards others (in other words, gray-ace).

Also last night I dreamt that me and M went on a date (her Dad accompanied her because she's traditional like that). Afterwards, my family was excited about my going on a date, but they didn't know at all who I was going on a date with. So they naturally said, "I can't wait to hear all about him!" "You have to tell me all about him." yada yada yada.

I'll be honest: That last dream was tempting. And unrealistic. M will never like me the way I like her. And if she ever suspects that I'm considering dating her, she'd pull the reins on our friendship and tell us to seriously slow down right there. Not that I'll ever force her to date me or anything. If we ever eat out, we're just eating out as friends; not as a date nor as future girlfriends. I'll never try to harass her like that. She gets to choose her dates.

But, at the same time, I feel like that dream was so wrong. At first, before I even had such a dream, I thought that, "Oh, I haven't had a dream yet of M. I guess my crush on her is minimizing. Who knew?" Then last night I had the dream and now I think, "I thought my crush on her was diminishing!" Apparently not. I'm just pushing the thought of her away so I can do other things while I await her responses and such.

M is always on the back of my mind, no doubt about that. I still remember M in practically everything I do. But I don't allow her to be the main focus in my mind, else I'll go crazy with the thought of my liking her.

Something tells me, though, that my crush in her is going to last a while. That's okay. I'll wait.

God bless,

Ximena

(Almost) Forced Out of the Closet

T spoke with me again about my crush on a girl. T just randomly brought it up, because apparently T wants to know who is my girl crush. I kept insisting on not telling though. But then T threatened to tell my parents about it unless if I said M's real name. And I really didn't want to talk about it, but T really wanted to know who it is.

I managed to talk T out of telling on me, but I still wonder why I have to put up with this everyday. I already told God I want to remain celibate. The priest I confessed to told me that it's best to remain celibate. And now T thinks I should talk about my crush when just mentioning her name makes me go desperate?

On top of that, T asked me what exactly I am. T thought I was either lesbian or bisexual. I told T that I'm a bi-romantic asexual, but T really believes I'm not. T really thinks I must be either lesbian or bisexual, not a bi-romantic asexual.

But, goodness! This all sounds so wrong. I know I have a crush on a girl. And I know that that's one of the reasons I want to be celibate unless God calls me to do otherwise (don't try talking me out of celibacy. It won't work). But why do I have to put up with this? Why do I have to put up with constantly thinking about my lack of sexual attraction and about my crush on a girl? Isn't it enough that I deal with that to have to put up with more?

I'm almost certain T's going to tell. One day or another, I'm going to wake up knowing that my parents know I have a crush on a girl. I'm going to wake up regretting the day I was even born, wondering why I couldn't be different. Why I couldn't have just simply been born heterosexual and get everything over with.

But it's not that easy. It never is. I don't know what to do, where to go to next. I just can't wait to go to confession with my parish priest and actually discuss with him about all of this. Because I really don't know where to go to next. I can only pray and hope for everything to go smoothly.

God bless,

Ximena

And You Let Her Go

This might sound like mere coincidence to some, and to others it might sound like there's a hidden meaning behind it. But recently I've been stumbling across Passenger's song Let Her Go on Spotify. Every time I turn on my Spotify app and press the "shuffle play" button, that song quickly comes across.

And I can't help but hear those same words over and over again:

You only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go.

It makes me think hard on those words. I know if I love her (M), I'll let her go. Not our friendship, never that. But I know she's heterosexual. I know she loves a guy (heck, she's got a boyfriend!). And I want the best for her. I want her happy. I want her to have a relationship with the guy of her dreams.

But it doesn't halt the fact that I still have a crush on her. But because of my love for her, I want her happy. So I always think, whenever she speaks about her boyfriend or about whatever guy she happens to crush on at the moment, "She's happy. So I'm happy. As long as it makes her happy."

I care about her happiness. It's true. However, I still can't shake off that feeling I get whenever her current boyfriend gets into our conversation or whatever. That feeling of a small drop of jealousy about the whole thing. But I instantly think of how happy she is because of him, and it makes me happy to know that she is happy.

Yet, even if I care about her happiness, I keep at a distance. For her sake and my own. I'm almost certain she suspects I like her, although she tries to deny it to me. But I can't stop the feeling, and neither can she. I can only control it and just let her go.

This is right when Passenger should be singing:

And you let her go.

God bless,

Ximena