I recently read this book about asexuality, Understanding Asexuality by Anthony Bogaert, and it surprisingly got me thinking more deeply about my asexuality. I mean, I thought I knew practically everything there was to know about my asexuality, but the shocking part of his book blew me away! It's that paraphilia can be included in asexuality! Oooo!
It's actually interesting to think about (although, personally, I'm a bit iffy about paraphilia being included), and it got me thinking about writing this blog in which I delve deeper into asexuality.
Q. So what is asexuality?
A. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. Now, be careful! Some sites will say "lack of sexual attraction towards someone" (which may be, in part, why Bogaert includes paraphilia in his book as part of the asexual orientation), and other sites will simple say "lack of sexual attraction".
Although asexual means something different in biological terms, this is the term used when referring to a sexual orientation. So if someone tells you "I'm asexual!", don't respond "You mean you can't reproduce through sexual organs?" (Seriously, please don't. I'd die from laughter.)
But now is where the tricky part comes from. You see, most people who first hear about asexuality instantly think "I'm not asexual then!" Why? Because oftentimes our romantic orientations can confuse us so we strongly believe that our sexual orientations are also our romantic orientations and vice versa. Which is, interestingly, not the case. (I once heard a story where a heterosexual was homo-romantically inclined. That was interesting, but it's very possible.)
So let me clarify that there are romantic orientations in every sexual orientation. And, yes, even in the asexual orientation. Asexuality simply means a "lack of sexual attraction ('to someone', if you want to keep with Bogaert's suggestion)". It never says anything about not being able to feel romantically inclined.
So let me name a few of the most well-known romantic orientations:
Hetero-romantic — Romantic attraction towards the opposite sex.
Homo-romantic — Romantic attraction towards the same sex.
Bi-romantic — Romantic attraction towards both sexes.
Gray-romantic — One who doesn't experience romantic attraction too often.
A-romantic — One who does not experience romantic attraction.
Demi-romantic — One who experiences romantic attraction only when he/she and said person have a deep emotional bond with one another.
These are just to name a few. I know many, and I repeat: many, asexuals at first decide to choose a complicated label for themselves because it relates to them most. I went through that stage, along with several people online whom I knew. I think it's a common stage for a lot of asexuals. With me, for example, it was one heck of a roller coaster ride! One second, I called myself asexual-bisexual because I thought that I might've had a few instances of sexual attraction towards the same sex when I was younger, albeit I didn't quite understand it. So I decided to label myself as an asexual-bisexual instead of the label of "hetero-romantic, lesbian-oriented, gray-asexual". But like I said, I was confused about the whole sexual attraction level.
Eventually I decided to label myself as an a-romantic, hetero-romantic asexual. Although this label was fairly confusing too, since the appropriate label should've been "gray-romantic asexual". It all got complicated and at one point I thought that maybe I should label myself as "demi-romantic", just for the sake of my slight homo-romantic attraction. But when I explained to a friend that maybe I should label myself as such since I felt like I only fell in love if there was some sort of emotional attachment, my friend responded:
"I think there's emotional attachment in every crush. I don't think there's a single crush that doesn't require at least a little bit of an emotional attachment."
So I finally decided on the simpler label: "Bi-romantic", and I realized that what I once felt when I was younger was nothing more than the beginning of my homo-romantic attraction. One asexual I knew decided to also shorten her romantic attraction name as well, mostly because it confused her to have such a long romantic attraction label for herself.
I think many of us go through that state, that period of confusion about our romantic orientation. We've just got to find our way through, with the help of some friends!
As we go on...
Q. So asexuality can have romantic attractions. Nice. But are asexuals okay with sex? Or do you abhor it deep within your hearts?
A. I'd like to give an appropriate answer, a yes or no, to that question. But if I gave out one or the other in response, it would just confuse you bitterly, and I'd have a crew of asexuals ganging up against me because I gave the wrong answer...
Just kidding! That would never happen. Asexuals are very nice people (most people are nice people—yay!).
But the response to your question would be both yes and no. It really depends upon the asexual. Some asexuals are completely okay with having sex and are even waiting to have sex for the first time! Some asexuals are more curious about sex as a curious thing to ponder about (that fits me pretty well). Other asexuals never want sex and hate hearing about sex (this also fits me well, except about the "hearing about sex" part).
I'd like to say that we, asexuals, are very much like other sexual orientations on the aspect of having sex, but at the same time we really aren't too much like other sexual orientations. For starters, even the asexuals who are willing to have sex and are excited about it still don't feel a sexual attraction towards anyone. So they turn to an alternative way of satisfying their sexual desires (and I hate to say the word): Masturbating.
On the other hand, to say that the asexuals who don't want sex at all are somehow sex-repulsed is very wrong. Some asexuals just don't want sex because of their low sex drive or because they realize that they have little to no sexual needs to be fulfilled, or even desired. So to call them sex-repulsed is wrong unless the asexual actually admits that he or she is sex-repulsed. Otherwise, don't assume that he or she hates sex, or that every asexual hates sex for that reason.
Now, that's all the time I have for now! Till next time!
God bless,
Ximena
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