When I was 12, I wondered why I hadn't had a crush on any guy. It was a strange thought. But after a while, I suddenly felt homo-romantic attractions. I was so frightened about the feelings. I begged God to take them away from me, because I truly believed it was sinful to be homosexual, or what I thought were signs of homosexuality.
After that time, I placed a "wall of rock" around my heart just to prevent myself from ever loving a girl deeply. Ever. So now loving M, I feel like I do have a crush on her. But every time I think of her and about my small crush on her, I suddenly feel like I hit a mental wall which prevents me from loving her even more.
I mean, no kidding, I think if she had turned out to be homosexual, the wall would've broken for sure. But, all the same, I feel strange to have a mental wall I formed about 5 years ago still present.
To be honest, I wish I had spoken to a priest about my homo-romantic desires years ago (I was a very self-controlled person years ago. I think I took it way too far). If I had told somebody, I'd have discovered it wasn't wrong. But then where would I be today?
It's hard to think of all of this without wondering "What if?" What if I had made a different decision? Why did I form so many mental walls for myself all those years ago? Why did I feel so ashamed about everything I felt and thought? How come I felt like I was so much in the wrong in everything and had to be overly self-controlled? Even towards things which aren't sinful?
I sometimes think that if I had made a different decision, I'd have thought of myself as homosexual and that I'd have eventually discovered that I was really gray-asexual. I sometimes think that if I had permitted it, I'd have had the choice to choose between the name "bi-romantic homosexual" or "bi-romantic gray-asexual". I'd have developed some sexual attraction towards the same sex.
But really, who can tell? Who am I to say what things would've changed? Who am I to say what I would've been? For all I know, I'd have been asexual all the same. I can only guess according to what I remember.
Now this isn't to say I hate being asexual. I think it's awesome that I never have to deal with the idea of being sexually attracted to anyone (although I'm open to sexual attraction, I still haven't felt it at all towards anyone). But I sometimes wonder how things would've changed if I had taken another path in life. If I had changed just one single thing about myself. Would I have been different? And in what way?
Have any of you ever felt this way? I hope I'm not alone in feeling this way!
God bless,
Ximena
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