I Miss Her

I miss her. I miss when she'd speak to me and tell me everything about her.

I just miss her. Is that wrong to admit? To admit that I miss the girl I love?

Granted, what I feel towards her is a small crush, but that doesn't eliminate the fact that I love her to death regardless. Every day I check to see if she's emailed me or will contact me in any way. I check to see if she'll want to talk with me. Whenever she does speak to me, I feel giddy. I feel so happy and joyful! Just receiving a message from her enlightens me.

But when she ignores me? And goes to speak with other people? I get jealous! I often wish we could talk forever and ever and ever and not stop. That we'd be very close to one another, closer than even I would've thought possible. And I feel like it's sometimes unfair that she had to be heterosexual and I had to be stuck with the bi-romantic attraction.

Is it strange that I miss her so much? Is it strange that I miss her every day, whether I hear from her or not?

I know I've often said I'll never marry another of the same sex because of my Catholic beliefs, despite how many people tell me I should satisfy my desires and get into a relationship with a girl I love. But, even if I don't want to get into a relationship with someone of the same sex, I can't help but feel an aching in my heart. An ache which makes me wonder why the girl I love couldn't have been homosexual or even a bi-romantic asexual. Then she'd understand my feelings towards her and sympathize, even if she disagreed to get into a relationship with me.

But she doesn't know. And, despite my love for her, I thank God every day that He had her stay heterosexual. If she had been otherwise, I'd have probably been more deeply in love with her than I already am. I'd have been more desperate for her love.

I know it will never be. I know I will never be the one for her. I know I've told God I will only marry a guy if I marry. But like I told the priest I spoke to recently, "But after this," (this meaning "love for a girl") "I'm not sure I even want to marry anymore."

And even if I've told a priest and God this, I can't help but wonder...

What if?

Is it wrong for me to think this way?