Anyway, she instantly guessed that I'm bi. I corrected her, "Bi-romantic." Although I did confess to B that I sometimes worry that I'll turn out to be homosexual.
I mean, it's not that I'm worried about having to re-classify myself under a different sexual orientation (although that sounds like it'll be a pain in the ass to re-do my sexual orientation name). Nor is it that I'm worried about being sexually attracted to anyone.
I think it's more that I'm worried about how many things would come from classifying myself as homosexual. Ever. I'm almost certain that if I ever felt sexual attraction, I'd prefer classifying myself as gray-asexual rather than homosexual simply because of the fact that it'll produce less hatred towards myself. (Not only that, I think if I ever experienced sexual attraction, I'd easily have the choice of considering myself either gray-asexual or homosexual.)
But, anyway, that being said... I wonder how I'd ever deal with being homosexual if that ever happened. And I always can't help but worry about it. I mean, how can I not worry about some bad things which could happen tomorrow? How can I not worry about turning out to be homosexual (or gray-ace as I would so label myself), and having to deal with the hatred from both sides? Whether one side that wants me to marry and the other side that condemns me for who I am?
This is one of the reasons why I hate thinking about what could've been my sexuality, people. This is one of the many reasons why.
But I have strayed from what I was originally speaking about. B thought I was homosexual since I had mentioned that I just might turn out to be that and am closer to being sexually attracted to the same sex than I am to the opposite sex. But I told B that, no, I only might be homo. And I still feel like I would call myself gray-ace anyway.
But as the conversation went on, B begged to know who the girl is (I knew she was going to do that. Like I said, I know B too well). I kept refusing to tell her that it was M, and I told her straight out that I have not told anyone who. Not the priest I confessed to, not T, not anybody. All anybody knows is that I have a crush on a girl. Nobody knows who yet. And I think everyone, even the priest and God, knows that I don't ever want to tell anyone who it exactly is.
For starters, mentioning her name would just make me desperate for her and make me wonder: Why not her and I together? Why couldn't she have been the same as me (an ace or at least a homosexual)? Why did I have to fall for a girl? Why am I a failure at love? Why? Why? Why?
Keeping her name silent, at least for the time being, keeps me happy. I know I have a crush on her, but at the same time I know to honor my promise to God of not dating her or any girl. If anyone else knew her name (other than my parish priest)... I just don't know what I would do. I think things would get worse for me and I'd really begin realizing "I'm not like everybody else". As it is, I'm happy with people not knowing my crush's name. I'm happy that I can have the crush and still be faithful to God. I'm happy that I can be as normal as possible without anyone ever knowing M's true name.
I can only hope I have strength for when I might have to tell my parish priest her name. Even if I can't do the same for a relative or any friend of mine.
God bless,
Ximena
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