Understanding Asexuality At Its Core, Part 2 of 3

Warning: Sex is mentioned here, although not explicitly. You have been warned!

Well! I'm back for more of asexuality at its core! On to some of the common questions about it!:

Q. Do asexuals experience sexual arousal?

A. To be honest, it is not uncommon for an asexual person to experience sexual arousal. To be even more honest, this was one of my own first questions about asexuality, because I really believed that asexuals never experience sexual arousal. But some of us do! Granted, there are some asexuals who never or rarely experience sexual arousal in their lifetime. But it is possible for us to experience it as well!

Q. So, do asexuals have libido/low sex drive?

A. The answer is that some of us do and some of us don't. Not all asexuals have a low sex drive! Asexuality, as I have mentioned, simply means that we experience no sexual attraction at all. However, there are asexuals who report having a high sex drive!

So, don't classify all asexuals into one category! We're each unique, just like any other person in another sexual orientation is unique!

Q. Do asexuals believe all sex is wrong?

A. Once again, each asexual is different! The only thing we all really share in common is our lack of sexual attraction. So some asexuals may believe all sex is wrong, some asexuals may believe all sex is socially acceptable, and others believe certain sex options are okay whilst others are wrong (and I think most of you will be relieved to find out that most asexuals fall into the last two categories!).

However, asexuals themselves may not desire sex at all because of a lack of sexual attraction to anyone, even if they have a partner. As I have previously said, each asexual is different and unique. Some will be completely okay with having sex. Others will not be completely accepting. Each and every one of us are different in beliefs, just like with other sexual orientations!

Q. It sounds like Asexuality is caused by some trauma or mental illness. Is my assumption correct?

A. People who are traumatized by any event in their life don't necessarily have no sexual attraction. Asexuality isn't caused by a traumatizing event, nor is it caused by an illness. Many people who have been through traumatizing events still self-identify as their original sexual orientation. Just like many people with mental illness feel sexually attracted towards the same or opposite sex.

However, what can happen with a traumatizing event is that the person begins questioning their sexual orientation. This doesn't make them asexual. A person who is traumatized by rape can become sex-repulsed, but sex-repulsed and the lack of sexual attraction are two entirely different issues. Sex-repulsion is something which even people who have never been traumatized can go through, people who forever identify as heterosexual and homosexual yet feel afraid of sex or try to deny its existence. Asexuality does not mean this, but simply a lack of sexual attraction. As I have mentioned, many asexuals are excited about having sex for the first time. They're just not sexually attracted to anyone in particular.

Q. So Asexuality is not comparable with sex-repulsion?

A. Correct. Although an asexual person, like anyone else, can feel sex-repulsed, this does not mean that every asexual is sex-repulsed.

Q. But shouldn't asexuals not identify as asexual until they have had sex?

A. Not necessarily. Many heterosexuals and homosexuals already identify as such without ever having sex.

Q. When should you identify as asexual?

A. If you feel certain you are asexual, then you can make the decision to identify as one! But sometimes it's best not to identify as one at a young age, in my opinion. I know several people who never felt sexual attraction until they were between the ages of 16 and 18. In my opinion, it's best to wait around that time to see if you are truly asexual. But if you're a 14 year old who is certain that you're asexual, feel free to self-identify as such! The "age group decision" is more of an opinionated idea than anything else, because many heterosexuals identify as heterosexual once they turn 12, and the same goes with other sexual orientations. It's really your decision to make.

Well, I have to go right now. Hope this has helped you a lot in discovering the truth about Asexuality!

God bless,

Ximena

Understanding Asexuality At Its Core, Part 1 of 3

Warning: Some talk about sex is mentioned below (In case some people don't want to delve in too far in that).

I recently read this book about asexuality, Understanding Asexuality by Anthony Bogaert, and it surprisingly got me thinking more deeply about my asexuality. I mean, I thought I knew practically everything there was to know about my asexuality, but the shocking part of his book blew me away! It's that paraphilia can be included in asexuality! Oooo!

It's actually interesting to think about (although, personally, I'm a bit iffy about paraphilia being included), and it got me thinking about writing this blog in which I delve deeper into asexuality.

Q. So what is asexuality?

A. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. Now, be careful! Some sites will say "lack of sexual attraction towards someone" (which may be, in part, why Bogaert includes paraphilia in his book as part of the asexual orientation), and other sites will simple say "lack of sexual attraction".

Although asexual means something different in biological terms, this is the term used when referring to a sexual orientation. So if someone tells you "I'm asexual!", don't respond "You mean you can't reproduce through sexual organs?" (Seriously, please don't. I'd die from laughter.)

But now is where the tricky part comes from. You see, most people who first hear about asexuality instantly think "I'm not asexual then!" Why? Because oftentimes our romantic orientations can confuse us so we strongly believe that our sexual orientations are also our romantic orientations and vice versa. Which is, interestingly, not the case. (I once heard a story where a heterosexual was homo-romantically inclined. That was interesting, but it's very possible.)

So let me clarify that there are romantic orientations in every sexual orientation. And, yes, even in the asexual orientation. Asexuality simply means a "lack of sexual attraction ('to someone', if you want to keep with Bogaert's suggestion)". It never says anything about not being able to feel romantically inclined.

So let me name a few of the most well-known romantic orientations:

Hetero-romantic — Romantic attraction towards the opposite sex.

Homo-romantic — Romantic attraction towards the same sex.

Bi-romantic — Romantic attraction towards both sexes.

Gray-romantic — One who doesn't experience romantic attraction too often.

A-romantic — One who does not experience romantic attraction.

Demi-romantic — One who experiences romantic attraction only when he/she and said person have a deep emotional bond with one another.

These are just to name a few. I know many, and I repeat: many, asexuals at first decide to choose a complicated label for themselves because it relates to them most. I went through that stage, along with several people online whom I knew. I think it's a common stage for a lot of asexuals. With me, for example, it was one heck of a roller coaster ride! One second, I called myself asexual-bisexual because I thought that I might've had a few instances of sexual attraction towards the same sex when I was younger, albeit I didn't quite understand it. So I decided to label myself as an asexual-bisexual instead of the label of "hetero-romantic, lesbian-oriented, gray-asexual". But like I said, I was confused about the whole sexual attraction level.

Eventually I decided to label myself as an a-romantic, hetero-romantic asexual. Although this label was fairly confusing too, since the appropriate label should've been "gray-romantic asexual". It all got complicated and at one point I thought that maybe I should label myself as "demi-romantic", just for the sake of my slight homo-romantic attraction. But when I explained to a friend that maybe I should label myself as such since I felt like I only fell in love if there was some sort of emotional attachment, my friend responded:

"I think there's emotional attachment in every crush. I don't think there's a single crush that doesn't require at least a little bit of an emotional attachment."

So I finally decided on the simpler label: "Bi-romantic", and I realized that what I once felt when I was younger was nothing more than the beginning of my homo-romantic attraction. One asexual I knew decided to also shorten her romantic attraction name as well, mostly because it confused her to have such a long romantic attraction label for herself.

I think many of us go through that state, that period of confusion about our romantic orientation. We've just got to find our way through, with the help of some friends!

As we go on...

Q. So asexuality can have romantic attractions. Nice. But are asexuals okay with sex? Or do you abhor it deep within your hearts?

A. I'd like to give an appropriate answer, a yes or no, to that question. But if I gave out one or the other in response, it would just confuse you bitterly, and I'd have a crew of asexuals ganging up against me because I gave the wrong answer...

Just kidding! That would never happen. Asexuals are very nice people (most people are nice people—yay!).

But the response to your question would be both yes and no. It really depends upon the asexual. Some asexuals are completely okay with having sex and are even waiting to have sex for the first time! Some asexuals are more curious about sex as a curious thing to ponder about (that fits me pretty well). Other asexuals never want sex and hate hearing about sex (this also fits me well, except about the "hearing about sex" part).

I'd like to say that we, asexuals, are very much like other sexual orientations on the aspect of having sex, but at the same time we really aren't too much like other sexual orientations. For starters, even the asexuals who are willing to have sex and are excited about it still don't feel a sexual attraction towards anyone. So they turn to an alternative way of satisfying their sexual desires (and I hate to say the word): Masturbating.

On the other hand, to say that the asexuals who don't want sex at all are somehow sex-repulsed is very wrong. Some asexuals just don't want sex because of their low sex drive or because they realize that they have little to no sexual needs to be fulfilled, or even desired. So to call them sex-repulsed is wrong unless the asexual actually admits that he or she is sex-repulsed. Otherwise, don't assume that he or she hates sex, or that every asexual hates sex for that reason.

Now, that's all the time I have for now! Till next time!

God bless,

Ximena