And You Let Her Go

This might sound like mere coincidence to some, and to others it might sound like there's a hidden meaning behind it. But recently I've been stumbling across Passenger's song Let Her Go on Spotify. Every time I turn on my Spotify app and press the "shuffle play" button, that song quickly comes across.

And I can't help but hear those same words over and over again:

You only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go.

It makes me think hard on those words. I know if I love her (M), I'll let her go. Not our friendship, never that. But I know she's heterosexual. I know she loves a guy (heck, she's got a boyfriend!). And I want the best for her. I want her happy. I want her to have a relationship with the guy of her dreams.

But it doesn't halt the fact that I still have a crush on her. But because of my love for her, I want her happy. So I always think, whenever she speaks about her boyfriend or about whatever guy she happens to crush on at the moment, "She's happy. So I'm happy. As long as it makes her happy."

I care about her happiness. It's true. However, I still can't shake off that feeling I get whenever her current boyfriend gets into our conversation or whatever. That feeling of a small drop of jealousy about the whole thing. But I instantly think of how happy she is because of him, and it makes me happy to know that she is happy.

Yet, even if I care about her happiness, I keep at a distance. For her sake and my own. I'm almost certain she suspects I like her, although she tries to deny it to me. But I can't stop the feeling, and neither can she. I can only control it and just let her go.

This is right when Passenger should be singing:

And you let her go.

God bless,

Ximena

Speaking about my Crush to B

I spilled to one of my siblings, B, that I have a crush on a girl. B acted all excited, but I'm almost certain B really wasn't all that excited about it. I know B too well. And when B acts the way she acted today, I'm almost certain B's going to tell.

Anyway, she instantly guessed that I'm bi. I corrected her, "Bi-romantic." Although I did confess to B that I sometimes worry that I'll turn out to be homosexual.

I mean, it's not that I'm worried about having to re-classify myself under a different sexual orientation (although that sounds like it'll be a pain in the ass to re-do my sexual orientation name). Nor is it that I'm worried about being sexually attracted to anyone.

I think it's more that I'm worried about how many things would come from classifying myself as homosexual. Ever. I'm almost certain that if I ever felt sexual attraction, I'd prefer classifying myself as gray-asexual rather than homosexual simply because of the fact that it'll produce less hatred towards myself. (Not only that, I think if I ever experienced sexual attraction, I'd easily have the choice of considering myself either gray-asexual or homosexual.)

But, anyway, that being said... I wonder how I'd ever deal with being homosexual if that ever happened. And I always can't help but worry about it. I mean, how can I not worry about some bad things which could happen tomorrow? How can I not worry about turning out to be homosexual (or gray-ace as I would so label myself), and having to deal with the hatred from both sides? Whether one side that wants me to marry and the other side that condemns me for who I am?

This is one of the reasons why I hate thinking about what could've been my sexuality, people. This is one of the many reasons why.

But I have strayed from what I was originally speaking about. B thought I was homosexual since I had mentioned that I just might turn out to be that and am closer to being sexually attracted to the same sex than I am to the opposite sex. But I told B that, no, I only might be homo. And I still feel like I would call myself gray-ace anyway.

But as the conversation went on, B begged to know who the girl is (I knew she was going to do that. Like I said, I know B too well). I kept refusing to tell her that it was M, and I told her straight out that I have not told anyone who. Not the priest I confessed to, not T, not anybody. All anybody knows is that I have a crush on a girl. Nobody knows who yet. And I think everyone, even the priest and God, knows that I don't ever want to tell anyone who it exactly is.

For starters, mentioning her name would just make me desperate for her and make me wonder: Why not her and I together? Why couldn't she have been the same as me (an ace or at least a homosexual)? Why did I have to fall for a girl? Why am I a failure at love? Why? Why? Why?

Keeping her name silent, at least for the time being, keeps me happy. I know I have a crush on her, but at the same time I know to honor my promise to God of not dating her or any girl. If anyone else knew her name (other than my parish priest)... I just don't know what I would do. I think things would get worse for me and I'd really begin realizing "I'm not like everybody else". As it is, I'm happy with people not knowing my crush's name. I'm happy that I can have the crush and still be faithful to God. I'm happy that I can be as normal as possible without anyone ever knowing M's true name.

I can only hope I have strength for when I might have to tell my parish priest her name. Even if I can't do the same for a relative or any friend of mine.

God bless,

Ximena

A Random Thought: Asexual Humor

Today I randomly thought about how it'd be like to experience sexual attraction towards a girl. And it made me think, "What would I call myself afterwards?" Because, really, what would I consider myself after experiencing such an incident if it actually happened to me?

Would I still call myself asexual anyway? Or would I call myself gray-asexual? Or would a more appropriate label be "gray-sexual"? Or would "demisexual" be a better name simply because I most likely wouldn't experience sexual attraction except if deep emotional attachment to the person is involved? Would I afterwards have to consider calling myself homosexual? Or would I have to consider calling myself "bisexual", simply because of the fact that I just might experience sexual attraction towards a guy someday? Or would I have to consider naming myself "pansexual" because of not knowing if I'd turn out to be such?

Now thinking about it, my brain hurts. I'd rather not think about this unless it actually happens to me.

Sorry about this weird humor today. I have a strange mind today. (But don't I always?)

Bigot and Its Definition

I've noticed nowadays that so many people throw the word "bigot" around so often to the point that when an actual act of bigotry has been done, people question if the person is exaggerating the truth.

So here I am! Trying to fix up this problem of the word "bigotry" being used (even though most of humanity will probably not listen to me...). But for those of you who hear, please stay and listen!:

Bigotry, by definition, means:

A person who is intolerant toward those holding different opinions. (Google)

A person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance. (Mirriam-Webster Dictionary)

So, the real definition of what makes a bigot a bigot is the fact that he/she is intolerant of others' viewpoints or otherwise hates and is very, very intolerant towards a particular group. So what many people call out as "bigotry" isn't really "bigotry". What the people's viewpoint of the word is this:

Bigotry means anyone who disagrees with this particular opinion.

That has clearly strayed away from the true meaning of it.

Take me in two different lights for example:

I am Ximena, and I am against gay marriage. (Opinion)

I am Ximena, and I am for gay marriage. (Opinion)

Now let's see both of me in the real definition of bigotry:

I am Ximena, and I am against gay marriage and I will never tolerate gays. I f***ing hate them! They are all going to hell and I will never help a gay no matter what! (Bigoted version)

I am Ximena, and I am for gay marriage and I will not tolerate the opinion of those who disagree with me. Their opinions are so f***ed up. They say I'm going to hell for promoting love?! MWAHAHAHA I'm going to show them what it means to be hated. (Bigoted version)

In both versions, both are examples of bigots. Both can transform into acts of bigotry.

Granted, there are cases of rebellion just to prove your loyalty to your opinion nevertheless. Like when Arizona said it was OK to refuse gays service and somebody decided to protest against that by putting up a sign saying "We hold the right to refuse service to legislators." (I agreed with them! I don't care that I'm against gay marriage, I'd still serve a gay couple just like I serve everybody else.) Or when a gay couple walks into a Catholic Church and asks to be married yet the priest says "No" because of his religious beliefs (I also agree with this because of my own personal beliefs).

These are examples of non-bigoted ways of proving that you are devoted to your opinion. Because having an opinion doesn't mean you are bigoted. What you do with your opinion can transform you from a person with an opinion to a person filled with hatred.

I've met bigoted people from both sides of this spectrum. One is so devoted to her own opinion that gay marriage is OK to the point she became completely intolerant of another's viewpoint and wanted to do all sorts of, ah, hateful things towards others who disagreed with her. On the other hand, I know another person who is completely against gay marriage and is so against gays to the point she believes all of them are going to hell. And she refuses to listen to my viewpoint that not all gays go to hell, just like not all straights go to heaven, and she refuses to even speak with a gay. She'd rather they all suffer in hell.

I have seen bigotry and I have seen opinions. Learn the difference between both and then we can all learn to listen to each other's opinions better. (But if there's actual bigotry going on, then we have the right to react immediately! But, please, learn the difference first before launching out the word "bigot".)

All right, thanks for reading and have a great day!

God bless,

Ximena

If 1% of the World's Population is Asexual...

Our world's population is at, approximately, 7 billion. Out of this number, approximately 70 million are asexual. So if I'm going by those numbers and am thinking about marrying a Catholic asexual guy someday who agrees with my Catholic beliefs, heck, I'll probably have plenty of available hotties!

But with as many standards as I hold for my future Prince Charming?

I'm doomed.

What Would the Catholic Church say about Asexual Marriage?

It is a common question of Catholic asexuals (and even some non-Catholic asexuals) to ask: "Well, what would the Catholic Church say about asexual marriage? But in reality, it's pretty much already set about asexual marriage, although you have to study Catholic Church teachings in order to see that.

Let me explain:

The Catechism of the Catholic Church itself says that one must willing to procreate, and love must be present in the marriage. If two people were forced into a marriage by their parents, they have the right to annul their marriage because this makes their marriage invalid. If the couple refuses to procreate, the marriage is invalid immediately.

In other words, since most asexuals in an asexual marriage refuse to procreate, then the marriage is invalid in the Catholic Church's eyes. So the Church will most likely say "No" to an asexual marriage unless they write a letter to their local Bishop/priest (whichever the Catholic Church decides to consider appropriate) promising to procreate. This does not mean the couple will be forced to have constant sex, but rather means that they will be willing to answer God's Call to procreate. The Catholic Church doesn't give a set of rules saying "You must have sex daily/weekly", but rather says to do so in order to procreate and nothing more.

Now, no matter what, the Catholic Church will always consider a marriage between two asexual men or two asexual women an invalid marriage. Because the Catholic Church says that the act of homosexuality (not the desire, but the act) is a sin. And even if they promised to not have sex, the Church will still treat it as they would treat gay marriage: that it must not be permitted under any circumstances whatsoever. So a marriage between two asexual men or two asexual women will always be considered invalid in the Church's eyes.

Now, when you read about the Catholic Church, you see that the Catholic Church will permit a heterosexual marriage when one can not procreate for medical reasons, because this is not willfully done. However, the Church still asks them to either devote their lives to working for God or for them to adopt kids to fulfill this loss of procreation. In this type of case, asexuals can also marry as well. But they must be willing to serve God or to otherwise adopt children to fulfill the lack of procreation.

But what about when an asexual and a sexual person marry one another? The same rules apply. However, I must state a few things:

I have read about a few marriages/relationships between asexuals and allosexuals (aka sexuals), and the asexual person has permitted the allosexual person to have sex outside of wedlock/relationship. Now, no matter what, the Catholic Church disbelieves in sex outside of wedlock. So this type of issue will always be invalid. This type of unfaithfulness will always make a marriage invalid in the Catholic Church's eyes, and the Church will be willing to annul the marriage because of the issue of one breaking the wedding vows by being in another sexual relationship, the other breaking the wedding vows by refusing the act of procreation.

Another issue the Catholic Church will be against is the act of masturbating in replacement of procreating. However, if the asexual still procreates regularly with his/her spouse, the Church will not consider the marriage invalid. It is when the asexual person completely refuses procreation and instead uses masturbating as a replacement that it will be considered an invalid marriage. But if the asexual person simply masturbates in his/her free time while complying with his/her marriage vows? Well, no doubt, the Catholic Church considers masturbating a sin (under all circumstances, no matter the sexual orientation of the person), but masturbating does not make a marriage invalid. What makes a marriage invalid in the Catholic Church is failure of keeping the marriage vows made or failure of compliance with Catholic Church teachings (e.g. A mixed marriage where one or both parents refuse to raise the children Catholic).

So, there you have it! I have used what I have studied of Catholic Church teachings to speak about asexual marriage, all using Catholic resources such as the Catechism of the Catholic Church's teachings and applying it to this. The only thing which is mine is the idea of a Bishop or priest having to approve the marriage, which I included because the Catholic Church already does this with mixed marriages. Why wouldn't they do something very similar  with asexual marriages if some asexuals are willing to comply with procreation? I do not believe the Catholic Church would be cruel enough to say "No" to all asexual marriages, only certain ones.

Anyway, you've seen me apply my Theological mind with sexual orientation (two of my most favorite topics!). I hope this clears up some misunderstandings and helps you all in your journeys!

God bless,

Ximena

Worries about Force of Coming Out of the Closet

I spoke to a sibling of mine, T. I told T that I have a crush on a girl (T didn't know about it at all). But what did T tell me?

"oh i see. lol"

And I can't help but wonder if T's planning to tell our parents about my sexual orientation. Mostly because I asked T: "You won't tell our parents about it, will you?" T didn't answer.

I had been thinking about it earlier and, like the person I am, I thought of a worst-case scenario. I imagined my Mom waking me up in the middle of the night, telling me: "T told me you're not heterosexual." And I imagined myself repeating the word "freakin'" over and over in my response to her:

"Why do you freakin' care? I'm not a freakin' heterosexual. So freakin' what? I've known I'm not a freakin' hererosexual for five freakin' years. I just didn't freakin' open up to people about it till freakin' now..."

Yeah. Worst-case scenario. And that's really just me being bitchy in my mind. To be honest, it would run more along these lines:

"Mom, I've never told you this, but I'm not heterosexual. I never have been. I've tried and tried to make sure I was straight, but I'm not. And I'm not even homosexual."

"What are you then?" Mom gets curious.

I gulp. "I'm asexual." I pause. Then continue, "It means I experience a lack of sexual attraction. But I'm not exempt from romantic attractions."

"So you're still attracted to guys?"

I turn away. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Hours later, when I arrive home from work, Mom greets me with the words, "Your siblings told me you have a crush on a girl."

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"Why do you have a crush on a girl? You know it's a sin."

"I spoke with the priest, and he said it's not a sin."

"Where are you getting these ideas? Why do you think this is totally acceptable?"

That's when I show all available evidence from Catholic resources such as the group for Catholic LGBT (approved by Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI, and which Pope Francis approves of although indirectly), Courage.

It would run along those lines, albeit with lines from my Mom in which she protests that I somehow asked and chose to be homo-romantically attracted and probably a bit of fighting. She'd probably even call a local priest if it gets unbearable for her, and would have to discover through the priest that it's okay. (On second thought, what would happen is a worst-case scenario!)

But thinking of all of this, I wonder if I should've even told T about my crush on a girl, although indirectly implied. But, then again, if I had withheld it? I think I'd have felt bad to not speak with a Catholic who believes like I do about my feelings.

Although, what if T forces me to come out of the closet by spilling to our Mom that I'm probably lesbian (which isn't true, but T really believes I'm not asexual). I wonder if any of you deal with issues of siblings forcing you to come out? Or at least the worry about it?

God bless,

Ximena

P.S. I found out I have some readers here, although anonymous. I'd love to hear from you and learn about your experiences, whether you are of a different sexual orientation or are a family member/friend of one who is of a different sexual orientation! Feel free to shoot me an e-mail saying "Hi"! All messages will be kept confidential unless any of you request doing a guest post or would like to promote your own story using this blog. I hope to hear from you!