Not a Label Anymore

Well! It's been a few days since I last wrote. That's because I've been seriously considering my sexual orientation again (I think too much, really). And I realized that maybe I've been preventing myself from feeling sexual attraction towards anyone. So for about a week, I allowed myself to be open to any sexual attraction to anyone. I felt, and still feel, no sexual attraction towards guys. But I've had instances where I felt slight sexual attraction towards girls. And, as I've always done, I lowered my head to avoid any further thoughts.

But I rest my case. I'm about as gray-ace as I can get. However, I don't want to anymore call myself by any label. Others may feel safe by calling themselves ace, others still might feel safe by calling themselves homosexual, but I don't like calling myself anything. Instead, give me the example of a guy and a girl who both hold my standards and then I will tell you what I am under those circumstances, as I'll proceed to show you:

Person: Given there are a boy and a girl who share your standards, who would you most likely get into a relationship with?

Me: With the guy. Not just because of my own personal beliefs, but also because I'd feel more romantically attracted to the guy. But I'd most likely feel a slight romantic attraction to the girl because of her holding the standards I require in a guy.

Person: So, who would you most likely feel sexual attracted to?

Me: I'd either feel sexually attracted to neither or feel a slight sexual attraction towards the girl. I've always been open to sexual attraction to guys, but have yet to actually be sexually attracted to guys. Whereas with girls, I feel a slight sexual attraction at times.

So could I be a bi-romantic (or even crazier enough: a hetero-romantic) homosexual? It's possible. But also the way I experience it and am able to get it under control almost instantly... I could also pass quite easily as a gray-ace as well.

Here's the thing: when I was twelve, I controlled my desires so much for girls that I never felt any sexual attraction. I only felt romantic attraction for guys. Any feeling of any sort of attraction towards girls was eliminated almost immediately by my looking downwards (a habit I still seem to carry around as a sort-of "safety badge"). So I considered myself asexual as soon as I learned about asexuality, because of my strong romantic, yet lacking in sexual, attraction to guys. But when I really re-thought my attraction to girls, I wondered, "What if?"

So now what am I going to do? Give people that conversation I just typed out. Or I might call myself a "hetero-romantic homosexual" just to amuse people. Or even better: Call myself a "bi-romantic homosexual—gray-asexual with more of a hetero-romantic attraction yet with traces of a homosexual tendency." But, to avoid any confusion, I want to just label myself as "one who is slightly sexually attracted to the same sex yet is mostly romantically attracted to the opposite sex."

Does that mean I will be deleting this blog just because I've decided on just a simple label which is easily changeable? Not at all! After all, I guess I still fit in the asexual spectrum. And I want there to be asexual awareness anyway, just as I want awareness for every minority group. I just don't want to fit into any category of people. (Did I mention I don't really like labels because I somewhat feel like it's restricting me? Not everyone feels this way, but I kinda do. Therefore I don't want the label anymore, nor any sort of label.) I will keep this blog up for all who want to benefit from my interestingly confusing journey and who wish to understand asexuality more completely. So I won't be deleting this. I'll keep this up, along with all my rants about my confusing sexual orientation. If any of you wish to call me a "gray-ace", "gray-sexual" or even a "homosexual" for your own written purposes or for any other sort of purpose, feel free to use either label! Just notify me before you make such a move. It really doesn't matter to me what label you decide to use for me, but I'd like to clarify for myself that someone's using a specific label for me. Meanwhile, I'll be open to all future possibilities about my sexual orientation.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rambling. Chat later!

God bless,

Ximena

Let Her Go (again)

You see her when you close your eyes...

...You see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

'Cause you loved her too much

And you dived too deep...

...Maybe one day you'll understand why...

You... only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go.

Let this be enough for today's blog post.

God bless,

Ximena

A Crush Problem

So today M emailed me. Again. And I was thinking about quickly responding to her, but the problem is that if I respond to her, she'll begin really suspecting that I have a crush on her. I mean, everybody knows me as the girl who does not respond quickly to people unless I have a crush on that person. So she'd end up really suspecting I have a crush on her.

The worst part is, like I've probably mentioned before, she knows I have a crush on a girl. She just doesn't know who it is.

But anyway, I still can't help but think of a million replies to give in response to her email. Each one different from the other, some more personal and some less personal. It's really weird.

I plan on emailing her tomorrow though. I'm really, really aiming for that. So unless I have something important coming up tomorrow, I'm emailing her!

——•——

You know, after having my crush on M for about two months now, I realize that it's not so bad. It's not so weird. I mean, that doesn't change the fact that I'm against my marrying her or any girl for that matter, but still. I just don't find it as strange anymore. It's just a part of me. God loves me, God loves you, He wants us all in heaven with Him: say no more.

God bless,

Ximena

I Miss M

Listening to M's favorite singing group. In the car. Hoping I'll receive some sort of message from M sometime soon.

I miss M.

A Dream about M

So yesterday somebody emailed me saying I shouldn't decide to completely label myself as asexual, and that I should wait a while. To be honest, I don't feel like I completely label myself as such. I'm open to sexual attraction, but I haven't felt it yet. And I seriously doubt I ever will. Especially since I have an incredible lack of interest in sexual activity in general. If I ever do experience sexual attraction, I'm sure it'll either be rare or light sexual attraction towards others (in other words, gray-ace).

Also last night I dreamt that me and M went on a date (her Dad accompanied her because she's traditional like that). Afterwards, my family was excited about my going on a date, but they didn't know at all who I was going on a date with. So they naturally said, "I can't wait to hear all about him!" "You have to tell me all about him." yada yada yada.

I'll be honest: That last dream was tempting. And unrealistic. M will never like me the way I like her. And if she ever suspects that I'm considering dating her, she'd pull the reins on our friendship and tell us to seriously slow down right there. Not that I'll ever force her to date me or anything. If we ever eat out, we're just eating out as friends; not as a date nor as future girlfriends. I'll never try to harass her like that. She gets to choose her dates.

But, at the same time, I feel like that dream was so wrong. At first, before I even had such a dream, I thought that, "Oh, I haven't had a dream yet of M. I guess my crush on her is minimizing. Who knew?" Then last night I had the dream and now I think, "I thought my crush on her was diminishing!" Apparently not. I'm just pushing the thought of her away so I can do other things while I await her responses and such.

M is always on the back of my mind, no doubt about that. I still remember M in practically everything I do. But I don't allow her to be the main focus in my mind, else I'll go crazy with the thought of my liking her.

Something tells me, though, that my crush in her is going to last a while. That's okay. I'll wait.

God bless,

Ximena

(Almost) Forced Out of the Closet

T spoke with me again about my crush on a girl. T just randomly brought it up, because apparently T wants to know who is my girl crush. I kept insisting on not telling though. But then T threatened to tell my parents about it unless if I said M's real name. And I really didn't want to talk about it, but T really wanted to know who it is.

I managed to talk T out of telling on me, but I still wonder why I have to put up with this everyday. I already told God I want to remain celibate. The priest I confessed to told me that it's best to remain celibate. And now T thinks I should talk about my crush when just mentioning her name makes me go desperate?

On top of that, T asked me what exactly I am. T thought I was either lesbian or bisexual. I told T that I'm a bi-romantic asexual, but T really believes I'm not. T really thinks I must be either lesbian or bisexual, not a bi-romantic asexual.

But, goodness! This all sounds so wrong. I know I have a crush on a girl. And I know that that's one of the reasons I want to be celibate unless God calls me to do otherwise (don't try talking me out of celibacy. It won't work). But why do I have to put up with this? Why do I have to put up with constantly thinking about my lack of sexual attraction and about my crush on a girl? Isn't it enough that I deal with that to have to put up with more?

I'm almost certain T's going to tell. One day or another, I'm going to wake up knowing that my parents know I have a crush on a girl. I'm going to wake up regretting the day I was even born, wondering why I couldn't be different. Why I couldn't have just simply been born heterosexual and get everything over with.

But it's not that easy. It never is. I don't know what to do, where to go to next. I just can't wait to go to confession with my parish priest and actually discuss with him about all of this. Because I really don't know where to go to next. I can only pray and hope for everything to go smoothly.

God bless,

Ximena

And You Let Her Go

This might sound like mere coincidence to some, and to others it might sound like there's a hidden meaning behind it. But recently I've been stumbling across Passenger's song Let Her Go on Spotify. Every time I turn on my Spotify app and press the "shuffle play" button, that song quickly comes across.

And I can't help but hear those same words over and over again:

You only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go.

It makes me think hard on those words. I know if I love her (M), I'll let her go. Not our friendship, never that. But I know she's heterosexual. I know she loves a guy (heck, she's got a boyfriend!). And I want the best for her. I want her happy. I want her to have a relationship with the guy of her dreams.

But it doesn't halt the fact that I still have a crush on her. But because of my love for her, I want her happy. So I always think, whenever she speaks about her boyfriend or about whatever guy she happens to crush on at the moment, "She's happy. So I'm happy. As long as it makes her happy."

I care about her happiness. It's true. However, I still can't shake off that feeling I get whenever her current boyfriend gets into our conversation or whatever. That feeling of a small drop of jealousy about the whole thing. But I instantly think of how happy she is because of him, and it makes me happy to know that she is happy.

Yet, even if I care about her happiness, I keep at a distance. For her sake and my own. I'm almost certain she suspects I like her, although she tries to deny it to me. But I can't stop the feeling, and neither can she. I can only control it and just let her go.

This is right when Passenger should be singing:

And you let her go.

God bless,

Ximena

Speaking about my Crush to B

I spilled to one of my siblings, B, that I have a crush on a girl. B acted all excited, but I'm almost certain B really wasn't all that excited about it. I know B too well. And when B acts the way she acted today, I'm almost certain B's going to tell.

Anyway, she instantly guessed that I'm bi. I corrected her, "Bi-romantic." Although I did confess to B that I sometimes worry that I'll turn out to be homosexual.

I mean, it's not that I'm worried about having to re-classify myself under a different sexual orientation (although that sounds like it'll be a pain in the ass to re-do my sexual orientation name). Nor is it that I'm worried about being sexually attracted to anyone.

I think it's more that I'm worried about how many things would come from classifying myself as homosexual. Ever. I'm almost certain that if I ever felt sexual attraction, I'd prefer classifying myself as gray-asexual rather than homosexual simply because of the fact that it'll produce less hatred towards myself. (Not only that, I think if I ever experienced sexual attraction, I'd easily have the choice of considering myself either gray-asexual or homosexual.)

But, anyway, that being said... I wonder how I'd ever deal with being homosexual if that ever happened. And I always can't help but worry about it. I mean, how can I not worry about some bad things which could happen tomorrow? How can I not worry about turning out to be homosexual (or gray-ace as I would so label myself), and having to deal with the hatred from both sides? Whether one side that wants me to marry and the other side that condemns me for who I am?

This is one of the reasons why I hate thinking about what could've been my sexuality, people. This is one of the many reasons why.

But I have strayed from what I was originally speaking about. B thought I was homosexual since I had mentioned that I just might turn out to be that and am closer to being sexually attracted to the same sex than I am to the opposite sex. But I told B that, no, I only might be homo. And I still feel like I would call myself gray-ace anyway.

But as the conversation went on, B begged to know who the girl is (I knew she was going to do that. Like I said, I know B too well). I kept refusing to tell her that it was M, and I told her straight out that I have not told anyone who. Not the priest I confessed to, not T, not anybody. All anybody knows is that I have a crush on a girl. Nobody knows who yet. And I think everyone, even the priest and God, knows that I don't ever want to tell anyone who it exactly is.

For starters, mentioning her name would just make me desperate for her and make me wonder: Why not her and I together? Why couldn't she have been the same as me (an ace or at least a homosexual)? Why did I have to fall for a girl? Why am I a failure at love? Why? Why? Why?

Keeping her name silent, at least for the time being, keeps me happy. I know I have a crush on her, but at the same time I know to honor my promise to God of not dating her or any girl. If anyone else knew her name (other than my parish priest)... I just don't know what I would do. I think things would get worse for me and I'd really begin realizing "I'm not like everybody else". As it is, I'm happy with people not knowing my crush's name. I'm happy that I can have the crush and still be faithful to God. I'm happy that I can be as normal as possible without anyone ever knowing M's true name.

I can only hope I have strength for when I might have to tell my parish priest her name. Even if I can't do the same for a relative or any friend of mine.

God bless,

Ximena

Worries about Force of Coming Out of the Closet

I spoke to a sibling of mine, T. I told T that I have a crush on a girl (T didn't know about it at all). But what did T tell me?

"oh i see. lol"

And I can't help but wonder if T's planning to tell our parents about my sexual orientation. Mostly because I asked T: "You won't tell our parents about it, will you?" T didn't answer.

I had been thinking about it earlier and, like the person I am, I thought of a worst-case scenario. I imagined my Mom waking me up in the middle of the night, telling me: "T told me you're not heterosexual." And I imagined myself repeating the word "freakin'" over and over in my response to her:

"Why do you freakin' care? I'm not a freakin' heterosexual. So freakin' what? I've known I'm not a freakin' hererosexual for five freakin' years. I just didn't freakin' open up to people about it till freakin' now..."

Yeah. Worst-case scenario. And that's really just me being bitchy in my mind. To be honest, it would run more along these lines:

"Mom, I've never told you this, but I'm not heterosexual. I never have been. I've tried and tried to make sure I was straight, but I'm not. And I'm not even homosexual."

"What are you then?" Mom gets curious.

I gulp. "I'm asexual." I pause. Then continue, "It means I experience a lack of sexual attraction. But I'm not exempt from romantic attractions."

"So you're still attracted to guys?"

I turn away. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Hours later, when I arrive home from work, Mom greets me with the words, "Your siblings told me you have a crush on a girl."

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"Why do you have a crush on a girl? You know it's a sin."

"I spoke with the priest, and he said it's not a sin."

"Where are you getting these ideas? Why do you think this is totally acceptable?"

That's when I show all available evidence from Catholic resources such as the group for Catholic LGBT (approved by Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI, and which Pope Francis approves of although indirectly), Courage.

It would run along those lines, albeit with lines from my Mom in which she protests that I somehow asked and chose to be homo-romantically attracted and probably a bit of fighting. She'd probably even call a local priest if it gets unbearable for her, and would have to discover through the priest that it's okay. (On second thought, what would happen is a worst-case scenario!)

But thinking of all of this, I wonder if I should've even told T about my crush on a girl, although indirectly implied. But, then again, if I had withheld it? I think I'd have felt bad to not speak with a Catholic who believes like I do about my feelings.

Although, what if T forces me to come out of the closet by spilling to our Mom that I'm probably lesbian (which isn't true, but T really believes I'm not asexual). I wonder if any of you deal with issues of siblings forcing you to come out? Or at least the worry about it?

God bless,

Ximena

P.S. I found out I have some readers here, although anonymous. I'd love to hear from you and learn about your experiences, whether you are of a different sexual orientation or are a family member/friend of one who is of a different sexual orientation! Feel free to shoot me an e-mail saying "Hi"! All messages will be kept confidential unless any of you request doing a guest post or would like to promote your own story using this blog. I hope to hear from you!

Learning Patience isn't My Specialty

So I spoke with M last night. We chatted for several hours and I thought it was just amazing. This might sound cheesy, but I also told her I have a crush on a girl, which I have a tendency to tell my crushes (although I never told her who, exactly!). When I told her about it, she told me that she agreed with the priest I confessed to. And she afterwards told me to be careful because she cares about me (she's against gay marriage as well).

But when she told me that, I thought:

Oh, if you only knew!

You know, it's really a strange thought for me to have a crush on a girl. I've always felt some romantic attraction towards them, but I've never had a crush on one before. It's an interesting thing.

I also wanted to speak with another friend about it and began telling her a little bit about it. But she afterwards told me "I'm the wrong person you should tell about all of this." Y'see, she's for gay marriage; I'm not. But I just really, really wanted to chat with somebody about it. I mean, I don't freakin' care that I disagree with gay marriage! That doesn't mean I can't love a girl like I do right now!

The problem is that only certain people know about my crush on a girl. I want to tell someone else about my crush, but I'm worried that they'll get too concerned to the point they'll blab to my parents rather than let me come out to my parents myself.

I know that, last week, the priest told me to speak with my parish priest about my different sexual orientation. And I want to, but the only chance I'll get to talk with him is on Saturday when I regularly go to confession with him. But when you have a crush, whether on a guy or a girl, even a few days feels like forever! So it's hard for me to refrain from speaking to any of my friends about my crush and about my different sexual orientation. Not that it has ever been easy, but still. It's hard!

I know I should be learning patience with this issue, but I'm bad at learning patience. And like I said: when you have a crush, even a few days feels like forever. I can try, but it'll be a painful cross to bear. A truly painful one to bear.

I can't wait to speak with my parish priest about all of this!

Has this, or anything similar, ever happened to any of you?

God bless,

Ximena

Crushes are weird

Strange. I thought of M again today and I feel the longing for her again. I feel like my mind's going haywire! I can't stop thinking about M! And when I do, I'm only reminded of her a short while later one way or another. Whether by my words, another's words, or by whatever other possible way!

Crushes are weird sometimes.

A Walled Love

I often feel like, although I Iove my crush, M, I just have a walled rock in my heart preventing me from having deep love for her. It might sound crazy, but years ago I placed that wall in my heart.

When I was 12, I wondered why I hadn't had a crush on any guy. It was a strange thought. But after a while, I suddenly felt homo-romantic attractions. I was so frightened about the feelings. I begged God to take them away from me, because I truly believed it was sinful to be homosexual, or what I thought were signs of homosexuality.

After that time, I placed a "wall of rock" around my heart just to prevent myself from ever loving a girl deeply. Ever. So now loving M, I feel like I do have a crush on her. But every time I think of her and about my small crush on her, I suddenly feel like I hit a mental wall which prevents me from loving her even more.

I mean, no kidding, I think if she had turned out to be homosexual, the wall would've broken for sure. But, all the same, I feel strange to have a mental wall I formed about 5 years ago still present.

To be honest, I wish I had spoken to a priest about my homo-romantic desires years ago (I was a very self-controlled person years ago. I think I took it way too far). If I had told somebody, I'd have discovered it wasn't wrong. But then where would I be today?

It's hard to think of all of this without wondering "What if?" What if I had made a different decision? Why did I form so many mental walls for myself all those years ago? Why did I feel so ashamed about everything I felt and thought? How come I felt like I was so much in the wrong in everything and had to be overly self-controlled? Even towards things which aren't sinful?

I sometimes think that if I had made a different decision, I'd have thought of myself as homosexual and that I'd have eventually discovered that I was really gray-asexual. I sometimes think that if I had permitted it, I'd have had the choice to choose between the name "bi-romantic homosexual" or "bi-romantic gray-asexual". I'd have developed some sexual attraction towards the same sex.

But really, who can tell? Who am I to say what things would've changed? Who am I to say what I would've been? For all I know, I'd have been asexual all the same. I can only guess according to what I remember.

Now this isn't to say I hate being asexual. I think it's awesome that I never have to deal with the idea of being sexually attracted to anyone (although I'm open to sexual attraction, I still haven't felt it at all towards anyone). But I sometimes wonder how things would've changed if I had taken another path in life. If I had changed just one single thing about myself. Would I have been different? And in what way?

Have any of you ever felt this way? I hope I'm not alone in feeling this way!

God bless,

Ximena

I Miss Her

I miss her. I miss when she'd speak to me and tell me everything about her.

I just miss her. Is that wrong to admit? To admit that I miss the girl I love?

Granted, what I feel towards her is a small crush, but that doesn't eliminate the fact that I love her to death regardless. Every day I check to see if she's emailed me or will contact me in any way. I check to see if she'll want to talk with me. Whenever she does speak to me, I feel giddy. I feel so happy and joyful! Just receiving a message from her enlightens me.

But when she ignores me? And goes to speak with other people? I get jealous! I often wish we could talk forever and ever and ever and not stop. That we'd be very close to one another, closer than even I would've thought possible. And I feel like it's sometimes unfair that she had to be heterosexual and I had to be stuck with the bi-romantic attraction.

Is it strange that I miss her so much? Is it strange that I miss her every day, whether I hear from her or not?

I know I've often said I'll never marry another of the same sex because of my Catholic beliefs, despite how many people tell me I should satisfy my desires and get into a relationship with a girl I love. But, even if I don't want to get into a relationship with someone of the same sex, I can't help but feel an aching in my heart. An ache which makes me wonder why the girl I love couldn't have been homosexual or even a bi-romantic asexual. Then she'd understand my feelings towards her and sympathize, even if she disagreed to get into a relationship with me.

But she doesn't know. And, despite my love for her, I thank God every day that He had her stay heterosexual. If she had been otherwise, I'd have probably been more deeply in love with her than I already am. I'd have been more desperate for her love.

I know it will never be. I know I will never be the one for her. I know I've told God I will only marry a guy if I marry. But like I told the priest I spoke to recently, "But after this," (this meaning "love for a girl") "I'm not sure I even want to marry anymore."

And even if I've told a priest and God this, I can't help but wonder...

What if?

Is it wrong for me to think this way?