Don't You Worry, Child (Somewhat My Prayer)

A while back I was feeling down about my silly sexual orientation which makes no sense. But suddenly I heard these words in Pentatonix's Save the World/Don't You Worry Child:

...My Father said:

Don't you worry

Don't you worry, child

Heaven's got a plan for you

Don't you worry

Don't you worry, child...

I think God might've wanted me to hear that at that exact moment (emphasis on Father). Especially since I don't understand my sexual orientation. Sometimes I feel like saying "You know what? Let's make this simple. Let's call me a hetero-romantic homosexual and get this all over with." But at the same time, I feel like, "Well, what about the fact that I am at times not sexually attracted to anyone? What then?"

But then I remember those words and think of it as sort of a prayer:

My Father said:

Don't you worry

Don't you worry, child

Heaven's got a plan for you

Don't you worry

Don't you worry, child

I also made a petition at the Church's intentions book. I asked for a specific special intention. I'll give you a hint as to what it pertains to:

It concerns my curiosity about my sexual orientation.

I'd make a point here, but I don't think this is exactly making a point. Just ranting about myself.

Anyway, have a wonderful, lovely  evening!

God bless,

Ximena

A Crush Problem

So today M emailed me. Again. And I was thinking about quickly responding to her, but the problem is that if I respond to her, she'll begin really suspecting that I have a crush on her. I mean, everybody knows me as the girl who does not respond quickly to people unless I have a crush on that person. So she'd end up really suspecting I have a crush on her.

The worst part is, like I've probably mentioned before, she knows I have a crush on a girl. She just doesn't know who it is.

But anyway, I still can't help but think of a million replies to give in response to her email. Each one different from the other, some more personal and some less personal. It's really weird.

I plan on emailing her tomorrow though. I'm really, really aiming for that. So unless I have something important coming up tomorrow, I'm emailing her!

——•——

You know, after having my crush on M for about two months now, I realize that it's not so bad. It's not so weird. I mean, that doesn't change the fact that I'm against my marrying her or any girl for that matter, but still. I just don't find it as strange anymore. It's just a part of me. God loves me, God loves you, He wants us all in heaven with Him: say no more.

God bless,

Ximena

Speaking about my Crush to B

I spilled to one of my siblings, B, that I have a crush on a girl. B acted all excited, but I'm almost certain B really wasn't all that excited about it. I know B too well. And when B acts the way she acted today, I'm almost certain B's going to tell.

Anyway, she instantly guessed that I'm bi. I corrected her, "Bi-romantic." Although I did confess to B that I sometimes worry that I'll turn out to be homosexual.

I mean, it's not that I'm worried about having to re-classify myself under a different sexual orientation (although that sounds like it'll be a pain in the ass to re-do my sexual orientation name). Nor is it that I'm worried about being sexually attracted to anyone.

I think it's more that I'm worried about how many things would come from classifying myself as homosexual. Ever. I'm almost certain that if I ever felt sexual attraction, I'd prefer classifying myself as gray-asexual rather than homosexual simply because of the fact that it'll produce less hatred towards myself. (Not only that, I think if I ever experienced sexual attraction, I'd easily have the choice of considering myself either gray-asexual or homosexual.)

But, anyway, that being said... I wonder how I'd ever deal with being homosexual if that ever happened. And I always can't help but worry about it. I mean, how can I not worry about some bad things which could happen tomorrow? How can I not worry about turning out to be homosexual (or gray-ace as I would so label myself), and having to deal with the hatred from both sides? Whether one side that wants me to marry and the other side that condemns me for who I am?

This is one of the reasons why I hate thinking about what could've been my sexuality, people. This is one of the many reasons why.

But I have strayed from what I was originally speaking about. B thought I was homosexual since I had mentioned that I just might turn out to be that and am closer to being sexually attracted to the same sex than I am to the opposite sex. But I told B that, no, I only might be homo. And I still feel like I would call myself gray-ace anyway.

But as the conversation went on, B begged to know who the girl is (I knew she was going to do that. Like I said, I know B too well). I kept refusing to tell her that it was M, and I told her straight out that I have not told anyone who. Not the priest I confessed to, not T, not anybody. All anybody knows is that I have a crush on a girl. Nobody knows who yet. And I think everyone, even the priest and God, knows that I don't ever want to tell anyone who it exactly is.

For starters, mentioning her name would just make me desperate for her and make me wonder: Why not her and I together? Why couldn't she have been the same as me (an ace or at least a homosexual)? Why did I have to fall for a girl? Why am I a failure at love? Why? Why? Why?

Keeping her name silent, at least for the time being, keeps me happy. I know I have a crush on her, but at the same time I know to honor my promise to God of not dating her or any girl. If anyone else knew her name (other than my parish priest)... I just don't know what I would do. I think things would get worse for me and I'd really begin realizing "I'm not like everybody else". As it is, I'm happy with people not knowing my crush's name. I'm happy that I can have the crush and still be faithful to God. I'm happy that I can be as normal as possible without anyone ever knowing M's true name.

I can only hope I have strength for when I might have to tell my parish priest her name. Even if I can't do the same for a relative or any friend of mine.

God bless,

Ximena

Bigot and Its Definition

I've noticed nowadays that so many people throw the word "bigot" around so often to the point that when an actual act of bigotry has been done, people question if the person is exaggerating the truth.

So here I am! Trying to fix up this problem of the word "bigotry" being used (even though most of humanity will probably not listen to me...). But for those of you who hear, please stay and listen!:

Bigotry, by definition, means:

A person who is intolerant toward those holding different opinions. (Google)

A person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance. (Mirriam-Webster Dictionary)

So, the real definition of what makes a bigot a bigot is the fact that he/she is intolerant of others' viewpoints or otherwise hates and is very, very intolerant towards a particular group. So what many people call out as "bigotry" isn't really "bigotry". What the people's viewpoint of the word is this:

Bigotry means anyone who disagrees with this particular opinion.

That has clearly strayed away from the true meaning of it.

Take me in two different lights for example:

I am Ximena, and I am against gay marriage. (Opinion)

I am Ximena, and I am for gay marriage. (Opinion)

Now let's see both of me in the real definition of bigotry:

I am Ximena, and I am against gay marriage and I will never tolerate gays. I f***ing hate them! They are all going to hell and I will never help a gay no matter what! (Bigoted version)

I am Ximena, and I am for gay marriage and I will not tolerate the opinion of those who disagree with me. Their opinions are so f***ed up. They say I'm going to hell for promoting love?! MWAHAHAHA I'm going to show them what it means to be hated. (Bigoted version)

In both versions, both are examples of bigots. Both can transform into acts of bigotry.

Granted, there are cases of rebellion just to prove your loyalty to your opinion nevertheless. Like when Arizona said it was OK to refuse gays service and somebody decided to protest against that by putting up a sign saying "We hold the right to refuse service to legislators." (I agreed with them! I don't care that I'm against gay marriage, I'd still serve a gay couple just like I serve everybody else.) Or when a gay couple walks into a Catholic Church and asks to be married yet the priest says "No" because of his religious beliefs (I also agree with this because of my own personal beliefs).

These are examples of non-bigoted ways of proving that you are devoted to your opinion. Because having an opinion doesn't mean you are bigoted. What you do with your opinion can transform you from a person with an opinion to a person filled with hatred.

I've met bigoted people from both sides of this spectrum. One is so devoted to her own opinion that gay marriage is OK to the point she became completely intolerant of another's viewpoint and wanted to do all sorts of, ah, hateful things towards others who disagreed with her. On the other hand, I know another person who is completely against gay marriage and is so against gays to the point she believes all of them are going to hell. And she refuses to listen to my viewpoint that not all gays go to hell, just like not all straights go to heaven, and she refuses to even speak with a gay. She'd rather they all suffer in hell.

I have seen bigotry and I have seen opinions. Learn the difference between both and then we can all learn to listen to each other's opinions better. (But if there's actual bigotry going on, then we have the right to react immediately! But, please, learn the difference first before launching out the word "bigot".)

All right, thanks for reading and have a great day!

God bless,

Ximena

Worries about Force of Coming Out of the Closet

I spoke to a sibling of mine, T. I told T that I have a crush on a girl (T didn't know about it at all). But what did T tell me?

"oh i see. lol"

And I can't help but wonder if T's planning to tell our parents about my sexual orientation. Mostly because I asked T: "You won't tell our parents about it, will you?" T didn't answer.

I had been thinking about it earlier and, like the person I am, I thought of a worst-case scenario. I imagined my Mom waking me up in the middle of the night, telling me: "T told me you're not heterosexual." And I imagined myself repeating the word "freakin'" over and over in my response to her:

"Why do you freakin' care? I'm not a freakin' heterosexual. So freakin' what? I've known I'm not a freakin' hererosexual for five freakin' years. I just didn't freakin' open up to people about it till freakin' now..."

Yeah. Worst-case scenario. And that's really just me being bitchy in my mind. To be honest, it would run more along these lines:

"Mom, I've never told you this, but I'm not heterosexual. I never have been. I've tried and tried to make sure I was straight, but I'm not. And I'm not even homosexual."

"What are you then?" Mom gets curious.

I gulp. "I'm asexual." I pause. Then continue, "It means I experience a lack of sexual attraction. But I'm not exempt from romantic attractions."

"So you're still attracted to guys?"

I turn away. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Hours later, when I arrive home from work, Mom greets me with the words, "Your siblings told me you have a crush on a girl."

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"Why do you have a crush on a girl? You know it's a sin."

"I spoke with the priest, and he said it's not a sin."

"Where are you getting these ideas? Why do you think this is totally acceptable?"

That's when I show all available evidence from Catholic resources such as the group for Catholic LGBT (approved by Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI, and which Pope Francis approves of although indirectly), Courage.

It would run along those lines, albeit with lines from my Mom in which she protests that I somehow asked and chose to be homo-romantically attracted and probably a bit of fighting. She'd probably even call a local priest if it gets unbearable for her, and would have to discover through the priest that it's okay. (On second thought, what would happen is a worst-case scenario!)

But thinking of all of this, I wonder if I should've even told T about my crush on a girl, although indirectly implied. But, then again, if I had withheld it? I think I'd have felt bad to not speak with a Catholic who believes like I do about my feelings.

Although, what if T forces me to come out of the closet by spilling to our Mom that I'm probably lesbian (which isn't true, but T really believes I'm not asexual). I wonder if any of you deal with issues of siblings forcing you to come out? Or at least the worry about it?

God bless,

Ximena

P.S. I found out I have some readers here, although anonymous. I'd love to hear from you and learn about your experiences, whether you are of a different sexual orientation or are a family member/friend of one who is of a different sexual orientation! Feel free to shoot me an e-mail saying "Hi"! All messages will be kept confidential unless any of you request doing a guest post or would like to promote your own story using this blog. I hope to hear from you!

It's Christmas: My Merry Christmas Message To You

Well, y'all, it's Christmas. That time of year when we all gather around with family and friends before the tree wrapped with presents, have a dinner together, and just celebrate the joy of the season.

Don't you just love Christmas? Every year, I've always looked forward to it. Mostly because that's part of one of the few times of year when everybody exchanges gifts, but also because it's a time when we can all get together and rejoice because Jesus tells us to rejoice! God sent angels to the shepherds, who were in turn singing, "Glory to God in the highest! And on earth peace to men of good will!"

I sometimes imagine the shock in the shepherd's eyes when they beheld such a wondrous, joyful sight. I imagine they were shocked to be so low yet to be visited and told by God's Messengers to Rejoice! Because unto them today is born a Savior, Who is Christ the Lord. And, most importantly, He chose to be born in a place where they could have the right to see Him, the King of Kings. And then they hear the beautiful chorus of angels singing to them, in harmonious voices, telling them in such a joyful way to rejoice and to go see the source of this joy: Jesus.

I think we should all keep in mind, whether you are atheist or Christian or any other belief, that this is a time of rejoicing. This is the time of year when we gather around to celebrate the joy of this time of year. There are so many celebrations going on around the world at this time of the year, and I honestly don't believe that any one of you is excluded from the joy of this winter holiday (or should I say holy day, just because I'm very spiritual and religious?).

I hope that, whoever you are and wherever you are in the world today, that you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays.

God bless,

Ximena

A Bible Verse For Those Who Are Questioning Their Sexuality

When I discovered I was asexual, I was fairly down about it. Because I thought, "Wow, I'm not a normal sexual orientation. I'm not normal. And no one will accept me as an asexual person." (But, really, who is normal? Who is completely accepting?)

So my self-esteem dropped tremendously. I felt like I was in the wrong somehow. I couldn't help but feel incredibly depressed and lost and alone in all of my feelings.

But then I prayed and prayed to God, asking Him to guide me. I asked Him to help me in everything I was feeling and in everything that I am. And then afterwards I turned to the Bible and opened up to this:

My son, with humility have self-esteem; prize yourself as you deserve. (Sirach 10:27)

It really helped me a lot. Just stumbling across that verse made me realize that God wants me to accept myself as I am, but He also wants me to follow Him. I know I stumbled across another verse also which told me to be happy and joyful about myself, although I can't remember which one that was. But when I read those verses, I felt incredibly enlightened and realized that God really does care about me no matter my sexual orientation.

Now, I don't care if any of you guys agree or disagree with gay marriage or if any of you guys believe or disbelieve in a Creator; but, really, God doesn't want any (and I repeat with emphasis: ANY) of you sad about your sexual orientation. He wants you happy and joyful at all times! It doesn't matter who you are as a person. In God's eyes, you are much more than any label you or others may place on you. You are God's child! We are all God's children! Let's all stop treating each other like we're superior or inferior because of our sexual orientations and realize instead that God loves each and every one of us no matter who or what we are!

May God bless you,

Ximena

Learning Patience isn't My Specialty

So I spoke with M last night. We chatted for several hours and I thought it was just amazing. This might sound cheesy, but I also told her I have a crush on a girl, which I have a tendency to tell my crushes (although I never told her who, exactly!). When I told her about it, she told me that she agreed with the priest I confessed to. And she afterwards told me to be careful because she cares about me (she's against gay marriage as well).

But when she told me that, I thought:

Oh, if you only knew!

You know, it's really a strange thought for me to have a crush on a girl. I've always felt some romantic attraction towards them, but I've never had a crush on one before. It's an interesting thing.

I also wanted to speak with another friend about it and began telling her a little bit about it. But she afterwards told me "I'm the wrong person you should tell about all of this." Y'see, she's for gay marriage; I'm not. But I just really, really wanted to chat with somebody about it. I mean, I don't freakin' care that I disagree with gay marriage! That doesn't mean I can't love a girl like I do right now!

The problem is that only certain people know about my crush on a girl. I want to tell someone else about my crush, but I'm worried that they'll get too concerned to the point they'll blab to my parents rather than let me come out to my parents myself.

I know that, last week, the priest told me to speak with my parish priest about my different sexual orientation. And I want to, but the only chance I'll get to talk with him is on Saturday when I regularly go to confession with him. But when you have a crush, whether on a guy or a girl, even a few days feels like forever! So it's hard for me to refrain from speaking to any of my friends about my crush and about my different sexual orientation. Not that it has ever been easy, but still. It's hard!

I know I should be learning patience with this issue, but I'm bad at learning patience. And like I said: when you have a crush, even a few days feels like forever. I can try, but it'll be a painful cross to bear. A truly painful one to bear.

I can't wait to speak with my parish priest about all of this!

Has this, or anything similar, ever happened to any of you?

God bless,

Ximena