(Almost) Forced Out of the Closet

T spoke with me again about my crush on a girl. T just randomly brought it up, because apparently T wants to know who is my girl crush. I kept insisting on not telling though. But then T threatened to tell my parents about it unless if I said M's real name. And I really didn't want to talk about it, but T really wanted to know who it is.

I managed to talk T out of telling on me, but I still wonder why I have to put up with this everyday. I already told God I want to remain celibate. The priest I confessed to told me that it's best to remain celibate. And now T thinks I should talk about my crush when just mentioning her name makes me go desperate?

On top of that, T asked me what exactly I am. T thought I was either lesbian or bisexual. I told T that I'm a bi-romantic asexual, but T really believes I'm not. T really thinks I must be either lesbian or bisexual, not a bi-romantic asexual.

But, goodness! This all sounds so wrong. I know I have a crush on a girl. And I know that that's one of the reasons I want to be celibate unless God calls me to do otherwise (don't try talking me out of celibacy. It won't work). But why do I have to put up with this? Why do I have to put up with constantly thinking about my lack of sexual attraction and about my crush on a girl? Isn't it enough that I deal with that to have to put up with more?

I'm almost certain T's going to tell. One day or another, I'm going to wake up knowing that my parents know I have a crush on a girl. I'm going to wake up regretting the day I was even born, wondering why I couldn't be different. Why I couldn't have just simply been born heterosexual and get everything over with.

But it's not that easy. It never is. I don't know what to do, where to go to next. I just can't wait to go to confession with my parish priest and actually discuss with him about all of this. Because I really don't know where to go to next. I can only pray and hope for everything to go smoothly.

God bless,

Ximena

Worries about Force of Coming Out of the Closet

I spoke to a sibling of mine, T. I told T that I have a crush on a girl (T didn't know about it at all). But what did T tell me?

"oh i see. lol"

And I can't help but wonder if T's planning to tell our parents about my sexual orientation. Mostly because I asked T: "You won't tell our parents about it, will you?" T didn't answer.

I had been thinking about it earlier and, like the person I am, I thought of a worst-case scenario. I imagined my Mom waking me up in the middle of the night, telling me: "T told me you're not heterosexual." And I imagined myself repeating the word "freakin'" over and over in my response to her:

"Why do you freakin' care? I'm not a freakin' heterosexual. So freakin' what? I've known I'm not a freakin' hererosexual for five freakin' years. I just didn't freakin' open up to people about it till freakin' now..."

Yeah. Worst-case scenario. And that's really just me being bitchy in my mind. To be honest, it would run more along these lines:

"Mom, I've never told you this, but I'm not heterosexual. I never have been. I've tried and tried to make sure I was straight, but I'm not. And I'm not even homosexual."

"What are you then?" Mom gets curious.

I gulp. "I'm asexual." I pause. Then continue, "It means I experience a lack of sexual attraction. But I'm not exempt from romantic attractions."

"So you're still attracted to guys?"

I turn away. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Hours later, when I arrive home from work, Mom greets me with the words, "Your siblings told me you have a crush on a girl."

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"Why do you have a crush on a girl? You know it's a sin."

"I spoke with the priest, and he said it's not a sin."

"Where are you getting these ideas? Why do you think this is totally acceptable?"

That's when I show all available evidence from Catholic resources such as the group for Catholic LGBT (approved by Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI, and which Pope Francis approves of although indirectly), Courage.

It would run along those lines, albeit with lines from my Mom in which she protests that I somehow asked and chose to be homo-romantically attracted and probably a bit of fighting. She'd probably even call a local priest if it gets unbearable for her, and would have to discover through the priest that it's okay. (On second thought, what would happen is a worst-case scenario!)

But thinking of all of this, I wonder if I should've even told T about my crush on a girl, although indirectly implied. But, then again, if I had withheld it? I think I'd have felt bad to not speak with a Catholic who believes like I do about my feelings.

Although, what if T forces me to come out of the closet by spilling to our Mom that I'm probably lesbian (which isn't true, but T really believes I'm not asexual). I wonder if any of you deal with issues of siblings forcing you to come out? Or at least the worry about it?

God bless,

Ximena

P.S. I found out I have some readers here, although anonymous. I'd love to hear from you and learn about your experiences, whether you are of a different sexual orientation or are a family member/friend of one who is of a different sexual orientation! Feel free to shoot me an e-mail saying "Hi"! All messages will be kept confidential unless any of you request doing a guest post or would like to promote your own story using this blog. I hope to hear from you!