(Almost) Forced Out of the Closet

T spoke with me again about my crush on a girl. T just randomly brought it up, because apparently T wants to know who is my girl crush. I kept insisting on not telling though. But then T threatened to tell my parents about it unless if I said M's real name. And I really didn't want to talk about it, but T really wanted to know who it is.

I managed to talk T out of telling on me, but I still wonder why I have to put up with this everyday. I already told God I want to remain celibate. The priest I confessed to told me that it's best to remain celibate. And now T thinks I should talk about my crush when just mentioning her name makes me go desperate?

On top of that, T asked me what exactly I am. T thought I was either lesbian or bisexual. I told T that I'm a bi-romantic asexual, but T really believes I'm not. T really thinks I must be either lesbian or bisexual, not a bi-romantic asexual.

But, goodness! This all sounds so wrong. I know I have a crush on a girl. And I know that that's one of the reasons I want to be celibate unless God calls me to do otherwise (don't try talking me out of celibacy. It won't work). But why do I have to put up with this? Why do I have to put up with constantly thinking about my lack of sexual attraction and about my crush on a girl? Isn't it enough that I deal with that to have to put up with more?

I'm almost certain T's going to tell. One day or another, I'm going to wake up knowing that my parents know I have a crush on a girl. I'm going to wake up regretting the day I was even born, wondering why I couldn't be different. Why I couldn't have just simply been born heterosexual and get everything over with.

But it's not that easy. It never is. I don't know what to do, where to go to next. I just can't wait to go to confession with my parish priest and actually discuss with him about all of this. Because I really don't know where to go to next. I can only pray and hope for everything to go smoothly.

God bless,

Ximena

What Would the Catholic Church say about Asexual Marriage?

It is a common question of Catholic asexuals (and even some non-Catholic asexuals) to ask: "Well, what would the Catholic Church say about asexual marriage? But in reality, it's pretty much already set about asexual marriage, although you have to study Catholic Church teachings in order to see that.

Let me explain:

The Catechism of the Catholic Church itself says that one must willing to procreate, and love must be present in the marriage. If two people were forced into a marriage by their parents, they have the right to annul their marriage because this makes their marriage invalid. If the couple refuses to procreate, the marriage is invalid immediately.

In other words, since most asexuals in an asexual marriage refuse to procreate, then the marriage is invalid in the Catholic Church's eyes. So the Church will most likely say "No" to an asexual marriage unless they write a letter to their local Bishop/priest (whichever the Catholic Church decides to consider appropriate) promising to procreate. This does not mean the couple will be forced to have constant sex, but rather means that they will be willing to answer God's Call to procreate. The Catholic Church doesn't give a set of rules saying "You must have sex daily/weekly", but rather says to do so in order to procreate and nothing more.

Now, no matter what, the Catholic Church will always consider a marriage between two asexual men or two asexual women an invalid marriage. Because the Catholic Church says that the act of homosexuality (not the desire, but the act) is a sin. And even if they promised to not have sex, the Church will still treat it as they would treat gay marriage: that it must not be permitted under any circumstances whatsoever. So a marriage between two asexual men or two asexual women will always be considered invalid in the Church's eyes.

Now, when you read about the Catholic Church, you see that the Catholic Church will permit a heterosexual marriage when one can not procreate for medical reasons, because this is not willfully done. However, the Church still asks them to either devote their lives to working for God or for them to adopt kids to fulfill this loss of procreation. In this type of case, asexuals can also marry as well. But they must be willing to serve God or to otherwise adopt children to fulfill the lack of procreation.

But what about when an asexual and a sexual person marry one another? The same rules apply. However, I must state a few things:

I have read about a few marriages/relationships between asexuals and allosexuals (aka sexuals), and the asexual person has permitted the allosexual person to have sex outside of wedlock/relationship. Now, no matter what, the Catholic Church disbelieves in sex outside of wedlock. So this type of issue will always be invalid. This type of unfaithfulness will always make a marriage invalid in the Catholic Church's eyes, and the Church will be willing to annul the marriage because of the issue of one breaking the wedding vows by being in another sexual relationship, the other breaking the wedding vows by refusing the act of procreation.

Another issue the Catholic Church will be against is the act of masturbating in replacement of procreating. However, if the asexual still procreates regularly with his/her spouse, the Church will not consider the marriage invalid. It is when the asexual person completely refuses procreation and instead uses masturbating as a replacement that it will be considered an invalid marriage. But if the asexual person simply masturbates in his/her free time while complying with his/her marriage vows? Well, no doubt, the Catholic Church considers masturbating a sin (under all circumstances, no matter the sexual orientation of the person), but masturbating does not make a marriage invalid. What makes a marriage invalid in the Catholic Church is failure of keeping the marriage vows made or failure of compliance with Catholic Church teachings (e.g. A mixed marriage where one or both parents refuse to raise the children Catholic).

So, there you have it! I have used what I have studied of Catholic Church teachings to speak about asexual marriage, all using Catholic resources such as the Catechism of the Catholic Church's teachings and applying it to this. The only thing which is mine is the idea of a Bishop or priest having to approve the marriage, which I included because the Catholic Church already does this with mixed marriages. Why wouldn't they do something very similar  with asexual marriages if some asexuals are willing to comply with procreation? I do not believe the Catholic Church would be cruel enough to say "No" to all asexual marriages, only certain ones.

Anyway, you've seen me apply my Theological mind with sexual orientation (two of my most favorite topics!). I hope this clears up some misunderstandings and helps you all in your journeys!

God bless,

Ximena

Worries about Force of Coming Out of the Closet

I spoke to a sibling of mine, T. I told T that I have a crush on a girl (T didn't know about it at all). But what did T tell me?

"oh i see. lol"

And I can't help but wonder if T's planning to tell our parents about my sexual orientation. Mostly because I asked T: "You won't tell our parents about it, will you?" T didn't answer.

I had been thinking about it earlier and, like the person I am, I thought of a worst-case scenario. I imagined my Mom waking me up in the middle of the night, telling me: "T told me you're not heterosexual." And I imagined myself repeating the word "freakin'" over and over in my response to her:

"Why do you freakin' care? I'm not a freakin' heterosexual. So freakin' what? I've known I'm not a freakin' hererosexual for five freakin' years. I just didn't freakin' open up to people about it till freakin' now..."

Yeah. Worst-case scenario. And that's really just me being bitchy in my mind. To be honest, it would run more along these lines:

"Mom, I've never told you this, but I'm not heterosexual. I never have been. I've tried and tried to make sure I was straight, but I'm not. And I'm not even homosexual."

"What are you then?" Mom gets curious.

I gulp. "I'm asexual." I pause. Then continue, "It means I experience a lack of sexual attraction. But I'm not exempt from romantic attractions."

"So you're still attracted to guys?"

I turn away. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Hours later, when I arrive home from work, Mom greets me with the words, "Your siblings told me you have a crush on a girl."

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"Why do you have a crush on a girl? You know it's a sin."

"I spoke with the priest, and he said it's not a sin."

"Where are you getting these ideas? Why do you think this is totally acceptable?"

That's when I show all available evidence from Catholic resources such as the group for Catholic LGBT (approved by Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI, and which Pope Francis approves of although indirectly), Courage.

It would run along those lines, albeit with lines from my Mom in which she protests that I somehow asked and chose to be homo-romantically attracted and probably a bit of fighting. She'd probably even call a local priest if it gets unbearable for her, and would have to discover through the priest that it's okay. (On second thought, what would happen is a worst-case scenario!)

But thinking of all of this, I wonder if I should've even told T about my crush on a girl, although indirectly implied. But, then again, if I had withheld it? I think I'd have felt bad to not speak with a Catholic who believes like I do about my feelings.

Although, what if T forces me to come out of the closet by spilling to our Mom that I'm probably lesbian (which isn't true, but T really believes I'm not asexual). I wonder if any of you deal with issues of siblings forcing you to come out? Or at least the worry about it?

God bless,

Ximena

P.S. I found out I have some readers here, although anonymous. I'd love to hear from you and learn about your experiences, whether you are of a different sexual orientation or are a family member/friend of one who is of a different sexual orientation! Feel free to shoot me an e-mail saying "Hi"! All messages will be kept confidential unless any of you request doing a guest post or would like to promote your own story using this blog. I hope to hear from you!

A Walled Love

I often feel like, although I Iove my crush, M, I just have a walled rock in my heart preventing me from having deep love for her. It might sound crazy, but years ago I placed that wall in my heart.

When I was 12, I wondered why I hadn't had a crush on any guy. It was a strange thought. But after a while, I suddenly felt homo-romantic attractions. I was so frightened about the feelings. I begged God to take them away from me, because I truly believed it was sinful to be homosexual, or what I thought were signs of homosexuality.

After that time, I placed a "wall of rock" around my heart just to prevent myself from ever loving a girl deeply. Ever. So now loving M, I feel like I do have a crush on her. But every time I think of her and about my small crush on her, I suddenly feel like I hit a mental wall which prevents me from loving her even more.

I mean, no kidding, I think if she had turned out to be homosexual, the wall would've broken for sure. But, all the same, I feel strange to have a mental wall I formed about 5 years ago still present.

To be honest, I wish I had spoken to a priest about my homo-romantic desires years ago (I was a very self-controlled person years ago. I think I took it way too far). If I had told somebody, I'd have discovered it wasn't wrong. But then where would I be today?

It's hard to think of all of this without wondering "What if?" What if I had made a different decision? Why did I form so many mental walls for myself all those years ago? Why did I feel so ashamed about everything I felt and thought? How come I felt like I was so much in the wrong in everything and had to be overly self-controlled? Even towards things which aren't sinful?

I sometimes think that if I had made a different decision, I'd have thought of myself as homosexual and that I'd have eventually discovered that I was really gray-asexual. I sometimes think that if I had permitted it, I'd have had the choice to choose between the name "bi-romantic homosexual" or "bi-romantic gray-asexual". I'd have developed some sexual attraction towards the same sex.

But really, who can tell? Who am I to say what things would've changed? Who am I to say what I would've been? For all I know, I'd have been asexual all the same. I can only guess according to what I remember.

Now this isn't to say I hate being asexual. I think it's awesome that I never have to deal with the idea of being sexually attracted to anyone (although I'm open to sexual attraction, I still haven't felt it at all towards anyone). But I sometimes wonder how things would've changed if I had taken another path in life. If I had changed just one single thing about myself. Would I have been different? And in what way?

Have any of you ever felt this way? I hope I'm not alone in feeling this way!

God bless,

Ximena

Coming Out (somewhat!)

So, just recently I went to Confession and confessed to the priest that I wasn't even heterosexual. I didn't state that I was a bi-romantic asexual, so I think he thought I was homosexual when I told him I had feelings for a girl. And I asked him if it was a sin (because that was what I didn't understand at all). He told me that it wasn't a sin at all, and that the Catholic Church doesn't discriminate me because of my desires. Instead, they have a group for individuals like me (or what he probably thought were me, aka homosexuals).

Now I really didn't just discover all of this. The only new thing I discovered was that it isn't a sin for me to have a crush on a girl. Other than that, I knew the rest. I know that the Catholic Church doesn't discriminate against me. I know the Catholic Church doesn't consider homosexuality a sin, but rather considers the desire "disordered" just like how other desires towards wrong are disordered, (e.g. a priest lusting over a married woman).

But as I confessed to the priest, I felt a relief off my shoulders. I know he told me to remain celibate, but I don't think he realizes that celibacy isn't going to be my problem in later life (that's okay though! I wouldn't have realized it either). After all, I've never been sexually attracted to either sex in my life. I've only been romantically attracted to both guys and girls.

No, one of my main problems right now (and in later life, of course) is telling my parents about it. No kidding, they're great parents! Very holy people and the best parents I could've asked for. But, they both believe that homosexuality is a person's choice. They often tell me stories of how people who are homosexual somehow become straight and apply this logic to all homosexuals. I don't completely disagree with that logic (after all, I just might turn straight tomorrow or even homosexual), but I don't completely agree with it either. I don't think everybody who turns out to be homosexual chooses to be homosexual, just like I don't think every straight has always been straight.

So do I believe homosexuality is a choice? Yes and no. Because sometimes it is a choice, sometimes it's not.

But the only way I can tell my parents that is by showing them the Catechism, the Catholic support group for people of other sexual orientations, and by dealing with whatever arguments come up from them. Yet, I'll first have to come up with a reason why I've brought up the subject. In other words, I might have to tell them I'm not heterosexual. I'm a bi-romantic ace (nickname for asexuals).

I'd rather deal with that later though. Right now? All I want to do is grab a nice book to read and listen to music tonight.

God bless,

Ximena