Three Updates

Well, dear readers, there are many things concerning my sexual orientation which will be private for the time being, so therefore neither you nor anyone else will know about it. But I will tell you three things:

1) I will most probably "come out" to my parents in a few months. This is good news, indeed! I just hope my parents will react well and realize that, as an adult, I have to make my own responsible decisions regarding it.

2) I ask for prayers from all of you. Y'see, one of my girl friends asked me to go watch a movie with her; then have lunch afterwards. Now she knows about my same-sex attractions and is trying to help me out with it. But the thing is, while she's excited and thinking, "Yay! My friend and I are going to hang out!", I'm reminding myself constantly, "It's not a date. It's not a date. We're just two friends hanging out." So... prayers, please? To help me out in my struggle with same-sex attractions (SSA)? And thank you. :)

3) I think I'm finally over my crush on M. Thank God! I thought it'd never end! Now I'm just dealing with "Treat her like you treat your other friends". Dang. Tough after a crush, but okay.

Well, readers, that's all for now. I hope you have a great holiday today!

God bless,

Ximena

Let Her Go (again)

You see her when you close your eyes...

...You see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

'Cause you loved her too much

And you dived too deep...

...Maybe one day you'll understand why...

You... only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go.

Let this be enough for today's blog post.

God bless,

Ximena

A Crush Problem

So today M emailed me. Again. And I was thinking about quickly responding to her, but the problem is that if I respond to her, she'll begin really suspecting that I have a crush on her. I mean, everybody knows me as the girl who does not respond quickly to people unless I have a crush on that person. So she'd end up really suspecting I have a crush on her.

The worst part is, like I've probably mentioned before, she knows I have a crush on a girl. She just doesn't know who it is.

But anyway, I still can't help but think of a million replies to give in response to her email. Each one different from the other, some more personal and some less personal. It's really weird.

I plan on emailing her tomorrow though. I'm really, really aiming for that. So unless I have something important coming up tomorrow, I'm emailing her!

——•——

You know, after having my crush on M for about two months now, I realize that it's not so bad. It's not so weird. I mean, that doesn't change the fact that I'm against my marrying her or any girl for that matter, but still. I just don't find it as strange anymore. It's just a part of me. God loves me, God loves you, He wants us all in heaven with Him: say no more.

God bless,

Ximena

I Miss M

Listening to M's favorite singing group. In the car. Hoping I'll receive some sort of message from M sometime soon.

I miss M.

A Dream about M

So yesterday somebody emailed me saying I shouldn't decide to completely label myself as asexual, and that I should wait a while. To be honest, I don't feel like I completely label myself as such. I'm open to sexual attraction, but I haven't felt it yet. And I seriously doubt I ever will. Especially since I have an incredible lack of interest in sexual activity in general. If I ever do experience sexual attraction, I'm sure it'll either be rare or light sexual attraction towards others (in other words, gray-ace).

Also last night I dreamt that me and M went on a date (her Dad accompanied her because she's traditional like that). Afterwards, my family was excited about my going on a date, but they didn't know at all who I was going on a date with. So they naturally said, "I can't wait to hear all about him!" "You have to tell me all about him." yada yada yada.

I'll be honest: That last dream was tempting. And unrealistic. M will never like me the way I like her. And if she ever suspects that I'm considering dating her, she'd pull the reins on our friendship and tell us to seriously slow down right there. Not that I'll ever force her to date me or anything. If we ever eat out, we're just eating out as friends; not as a date nor as future girlfriends. I'll never try to harass her like that. She gets to choose her dates.

But, at the same time, I feel like that dream was so wrong. At first, before I even had such a dream, I thought that, "Oh, I haven't had a dream yet of M. I guess my crush on her is minimizing. Who knew?" Then last night I had the dream and now I think, "I thought my crush on her was diminishing!" Apparently not. I'm just pushing the thought of her away so I can do other things while I await her responses and such.

M is always on the back of my mind, no doubt about that. I still remember M in practically everything I do. But I don't allow her to be the main focus in my mind, else I'll go crazy with the thought of my liking her.

Something tells me, though, that my crush in her is going to last a while. That's okay. I'll wait.

God bless,

Ximena

And You Let Her Go

This might sound like mere coincidence to some, and to others it might sound like there's a hidden meaning behind it. But recently I've been stumbling across Passenger's song Let Her Go on Spotify. Every time I turn on my Spotify app and press the "shuffle play" button, that song quickly comes across.

And I can't help but hear those same words over and over again:

You only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go.

It makes me think hard on those words. I know if I love her (M), I'll let her go. Not our friendship, never that. But I know she's heterosexual. I know she loves a guy (heck, she's got a boyfriend!). And I want the best for her. I want her happy. I want her to have a relationship with the guy of her dreams.

But it doesn't halt the fact that I still have a crush on her. But because of my love for her, I want her happy. So I always think, whenever she speaks about her boyfriend or about whatever guy she happens to crush on at the moment, "She's happy. So I'm happy. As long as it makes her happy."

I care about her happiness. It's true. However, I still can't shake off that feeling I get whenever her current boyfriend gets into our conversation or whatever. That feeling of a small drop of jealousy about the whole thing. But I instantly think of how happy she is because of him, and it makes me happy to know that she is happy.

Yet, even if I care about her happiness, I keep at a distance. For her sake and my own. I'm almost certain she suspects I like her, although she tries to deny it to me. But I can't stop the feeling, and neither can she. I can only control it and just let her go.

This is right when Passenger should be singing:

And you let her go.

God bless,

Ximena

Speaking about my Crush to B

I spilled to one of my siblings, B, that I have a crush on a girl. B acted all excited, but I'm almost certain B really wasn't all that excited about it. I know B too well. And when B acts the way she acted today, I'm almost certain B's going to tell.

Anyway, she instantly guessed that I'm bi. I corrected her, "Bi-romantic." Although I did confess to B that I sometimes worry that I'll turn out to be homosexual.

I mean, it's not that I'm worried about having to re-classify myself under a different sexual orientation (although that sounds like it'll be a pain in the ass to re-do my sexual orientation name). Nor is it that I'm worried about being sexually attracted to anyone.

I think it's more that I'm worried about how many things would come from classifying myself as homosexual. Ever. I'm almost certain that if I ever felt sexual attraction, I'd prefer classifying myself as gray-asexual rather than homosexual simply because of the fact that it'll produce less hatred towards myself. (Not only that, I think if I ever experienced sexual attraction, I'd easily have the choice of considering myself either gray-asexual or homosexual.)

But, anyway, that being said... I wonder how I'd ever deal with being homosexual if that ever happened. And I always can't help but worry about it. I mean, how can I not worry about some bad things which could happen tomorrow? How can I not worry about turning out to be homosexual (or gray-ace as I would so label myself), and having to deal with the hatred from both sides? Whether one side that wants me to marry and the other side that condemns me for who I am?

This is one of the reasons why I hate thinking about what could've been my sexuality, people. This is one of the many reasons why.

But I have strayed from what I was originally speaking about. B thought I was homosexual since I had mentioned that I just might turn out to be that and am closer to being sexually attracted to the same sex than I am to the opposite sex. But I told B that, no, I only might be homo. And I still feel like I would call myself gray-ace anyway.

But as the conversation went on, B begged to know who the girl is (I knew she was going to do that. Like I said, I know B too well). I kept refusing to tell her that it was M, and I told her straight out that I have not told anyone who. Not the priest I confessed to, not T, not anybody. All anybody knows is that I have a crush on a girl. Nobody knows who yet. And I think everyone, even the priest and God, knows that I don't ever want to tell anyone who it exactly is.

For starters, mentioning her name would just make me desperate for her and make me wonder: Why not her and I together? Why couldn't she have been the same as me (an ace or at least a homosexual)? Why did I have to fall for a girl? Why am I a failure at love? Why? Why? Why?

Keeping her name silent, at least for the time being, keeps me happy. I know I have a crush on her, but at the same time I know to honor my promise to God of not dating her or any girl. If anyone else knew her name (other than my parish priest)... I just don't know what I would do. I think things would get worse for me and I'd really begin realizing "I'm not like everybody else". As it is, I'm happy with people not knowing my crush's name. I'm happy that I can have the crush and still be faithful to God. I'm happy that I can be as normal as possible without anyone ever knowing M's true name.

I can only hope I have strength for when I might have to tell my parish priest her name. Even if I can't do the same for a relative or any friend of mine.

God bless,

Ximena

Learning Patience isn't My Specialty

So I spoke with M last night. We chatted for several hours and I thought it was just amazing. This might sound cheesy, but I also told her I have a crush on a girl, which I have a tendency to tell my crushes (although I never told her who, exactly!). When I told her about it, she told me that she agreed with the priest I confessed to. And she afterwards told me to be careful because she cares about me (she's against gay marriage as well).

But when she told me that, I thought:

Oh, if you only knew!

You know, it's really a strange thought for me to have a crush on a girl. I've always felt some romantic attraction towards them, but I've never had a crush on one before. It's an interesting thing.

I also wanted to speak with another friend about it and began telling her a little bit about it. But she afterwards told me "I'm the wrong person you should tell about all of this." Y'see, she's for gay marriage; I'm not. But I just really, really wanted to chat with somebody about it. I mean, I don't freakin' care that I disagree with gay marriage! That doesn't mean I can't love a girl like I do right now!

The problem is that only certain people know about my crush on a girl. I want to tell someone else about my crush, but I'm worried that they'll get too concerned to the point they'll blab to my parents rather than let me come out to my parents myself.

I know that, last week, the priest told me to speak with my parish priest about my different sexual orientation. And I want to, but the only chance I'll get to talk with him is on Saturday when I regularly go to confession with him. But when you have a crush, whether on a guy or a girl, even a few days feels like forever! So it's hard for me to refrain from speaking to any of my friends about my crush and about my different sexual orientation. Not that it has ever been easy, but still. It's hard!

I know I should be learning patience with this issue, but I'm bad at learning patience. And like I said: when you have a crush, even a few days feels like forever. I can try, but it'll be a painful cross to bear. A truly painful one to bear.

I can't wait to speak with my parish priest about all of this!

Has this, or anything similar, ever happened to any of you?

God bless,

Ximena

Crushes are weird

Strange. I thought of M again today and I feel the longing for her again. I feel like my mind's going haywire! I can't stop thinking about M! And when I do, I'm only reminded of her a short while later one way or another. Whether by my words, another's words, or by whatever other possible way!

Crushes are weird sometimes.

I Miss Her

I miss her. I miss when she'd speak to me and tell me everything about her.

I just miss her. Is that wrong to admit? To admit that I miss the girl I love?

Granted, what I feel towards her is a small crush, but that doesn't eliminate the fact that I love her to death regardless. Every day I check to see if she's emailed me or will contact me in any way. I check to see if she'll want to talk with me. Whenever she does speak to me, I feel giddy. I feel so happy and joyful! Just receiving a message from her enlightens me.

But when she ignores me? And goes to speak with other people? I get jealous! I often wish we could talk forever and ever and ever and not stop. That we'd be very close to one another, closer than even I would've thought possible. And I feel like it's sometimes unfair that she had to be heterosexual and I had to be stuck with the bi-romantic attraction.

Is it strange that I miss her so much? Is it strange that I miss her every day, whether I hear from her or not?

I know I've often said I'll never marry another of the same sex because of my Catholic beliefs, despite how many people tell me I should satisfy my desires and get into a relationship with a girl I love. But, even if I don't want to get into a relationship with someone of the same sex, I can't help but feel an aching in my heart. An ache which makes me wonder why the girl I love couldn't have been homosexual or even a bi-romantic asexual. Then she'd understand my feelings towards her and sympathize, even if she disagreed to get into a relationship with me.

But she doesn't know. And, despite my love for her, I thank God every day that He had her stay heterosexual. If she had been otherwise, I'd have probably been more deeply in love with her than I already am. I'd have been more desperate for her love.

I know it will never be. I know I will never be the one for her. I know I've told God I will only marry a guy if I marry. But like I told the priest I spoke to recently, "But after this," (this meaning "love for a girl") "I'm not sure I even want to marry anymore."

And even if I've told a priest and God this, I can't help but wonder...

What if?

Is it wrong for me to think this way?