In the Church, I have found love and freedom

So a lot has happened. I've begun getting into contact with the priest in charge of the local Courage chapter in my region. I spoke to him about my sexuality (without mentioning any sexual orientation. I claim no sexual orientation), and I asked him if it would be OK for me to call him. He said "Yes", but he also said that we can only talk over the phone for a limited time due to certain reasons restricting the both of us.

But hey! This is great news! One step towards my non-labeling process while admitting my same-sex attractions to someone. A humbling experience, to say the least!

A lot more has happened. I think I'm probably over (or at least almost over) my crush on M. That's great news, as well!

Right now I feel the need to get back in touch with my Catholic faith. Giving up my labels has made me feel free and actually joyful, to say the least. Searching the Catholic Church for answers has made me feel even more free and joyful. (Not saying everybody has to give up labels because I know some of you find it comforting.)

All the same, I guess even through my joyfulness, there is a sorrow hidden within me. There's that thought that I experience same-sex attractions, and I wish to finally give it up once and for all. I know I read somewhere that in some cases you can cure someone of homosexuality or cure them to a certain degree (I believe I am probably the second option, but I'm open to all possibilities). Although this is not the case with everyone who experiences same-sex attraction, the book further explained that some with same-sex attraction are, really, just confused about their sexuality. Therapy helps some see their sexuality clearer, and in some cases helps separate the same-sex attraction from the original opposite-sex attraction. I think this may be the case for me, that I'm just confused about my sexuality. Not necessarily does that mean that I'm heterosexual, or rather: One who experiences opposite-sex attractions. After all, I just might be homosexual, or rather: I just might predominantly experience same-sex attractions. However, I want to explore every single possibility about myself and accept the Church's loving and understanding arms. 

In society, I have found people who are accepting and place labels in order to identify others. In the Church, I have found love and freedom. And I prefer love and freedom any day.

God bless,

Ximena

Not a Label Anymore

Well! It's been a few days since I last wrote. That's because I've been seriously considering my sexual orientation again (I think too much, really). And I realized that maybe I've been preventing myself from feeling sexual attraction towards anyone. So for about a week, I allowed myself to be open to any sexual attraction to anyone. I felt, and still feel, no sexual attraction towards guys. But I've had instances where I felt slight sexual attraction towards girls. And, as I've always done, I lowered my head to avoid any further thoughts.

But I rest my case. I'm about as gray-ace as I can get. However, I don't want to anymore call myself by any label. Others may feel safe by calling themselves ace, others still might feel safe by calling themselves homosexual, but I don't like calling myself anything. Instead, give me the example of a guy and a girl who both hold my standards and then I will tell you what I am under those circumstances, as I'll proceed to show you:

Person: Given there are a boy and a girl who share your standards, who would you most likely get into a relationship with?

Me: With the guy. Not just because of my own personal beliefs, but also because I'd feel more romantically attracted to the guy. But I'd most likely feel a slight romantic attraction to the girl because of her holding the standards I require in a guy.

Person: So, who would you most likely feel sexual attracted to?

Me: I'd either feel sexually attracted to neither or feel a slight sexual attraction towards the girl. I've always been open to sexual attraction to guys, but have yet to actually be sexually attracted to guys. Whereas with girls, I feel a slight sexual attraction at times.

So could I be a bi-romantic (or even crazier enough: a hetero-romantic) homosexual? It's possible. But also the way I experience it and am able to get it under control almost instantly... I could also pass quite easily as a gray-ace as well.

Here's the thing: when I was twelve, I controlled my desires so much for girls that I never felt any sexual attraction. I only felt romantic attraction for guys. Any feeling of any sort of attraction towards girls was eliminated almost immediately by my looking downwards (a habit I still seem to carry around as a sort-of "safety badge"). So I considered myself asexual as soon as I learned about asexuality, because of my strong romantic, yet lacking in sexual, attraction to guys. But when I really re-thought my attraction to girls, I wondered, "What if?"

So now what am I going to do? Give people that conversation I just typed out. Or I might call myself a "hetero-romantic homosexual" just to amuse people. Or even better: Call myself a "bi-romantic homosexual—gray-asexual with more of a hetero-romantic attraction yet with traces of a homosexual tendency." But, to avoid any confusion, I want to just label myself as "one who is slightly sexually attracted to the same sex yet is mostly romantically attracted to the opposite sex."

Does that mean I will be deleting this blog just because I've decided on just a simple label which is easily changeable? Not at all! After all, I guess I still fit in the asexual spectrum. And I want there to be asexual awareness anyway, just as I want awareness for every minority group. I just don't want to fit into any category of people. (Did I mention I don't really like labels because I somewhat feel like it's restricting me? Not everyone feels this way, but I kinda do. Therefore I don't want the label anymore, nor any sort of label.) I will keep this blog up for all who want to benefit from my interestingly confusing journey and who wish to understand asexuality more completely. So I won't be deleting this. I'll keep this up, along with all my rants about my confusing sexual orientation. If any of you wish to call me a "gray-ace", "gray-sexual" or even a "homosexual" for your own written purposes or for any other sort of purpose, feel free to use either label! Just notify me before you make such a move. It really doesn't matter to me what label you decide to use for me, but I'd like to clarify for myself that someone's using a specific label for me. Meanwhile, I'll be open to all future possibilities about my sexual orientation.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rambling. Chat later!

God bless,

Ximena

And You Let Her Go

This might sound like mere coincidence to some, and to others it might sound like there's a hidden meaning behind it. But recently I've been stumbling across Passenger's song Let Her Go on Spotify. Every time I turn on my Spotify app and press the "shuffle play" button, that song quickly comes across.

And I can't help but hear those same words over and over again:

You only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go.

It makes me think hard on those words. I know if I love her (M), I'll let her go. Not our friendship, never that. But I know she's heterosexual. I know she loves a guy (heck, she's got a boyfriend!). And I want the best for her. I want her happy. I want her to have a relationship with the guy of her dreams.

But it doesn't halt the fact that I still have a crush on her. But because of my love for her, I want her happy. So I always think, whenever she speaks about her boyfriend or about whatever guy she happens to crush on at the moment, "She's happy. So I'm happy. As long as it makes her happy."

I care about her happiness. It's true. However, I still can't shake off that feeling I get whenever her current boyfriend gets into our conversation or whatever. That feeling of a small drop of jealousy about the whole thing. But I instantly think of how happy she is because of him, and it makes me happy to know that she is happy.

Yet, even if I care about her happiness, I keep at a distance. For her sake and my own. I'm almost certain she suspects I like her, although she tries to deny it to me. But I can't stop the feeling, and neither can she. I can only control it and just let her go.

This is right when Passenger should be singing:

And you let her go.

God bless,

Ximena