So I Saw A YouTube Video...

... and, while watching the video, a random girl appeared in the video for just a short amount of time. But wow. Wow. WOW. She was so attractive and lovely! Her hair was glowing bright with its orange glow (who'd have thought I would one day be attracted to a red-headed!), and her smile and eyes were so sweet. And wow... How else do I describe her?

To put it short and simple, I never thought I'd feel this way about a beautiful girl. I've felt this way about handsome guys, but a beautiful girl? Never!

I would give the link to the video and the time she appears in the video, but I'm afraid I would rather not. Else I'll be dealing with guys, maybe even some girls, who feel attracted to her as well. And I'm not going to deal with that! At least not right now.

But, gosh... She was beautiful! I won't deny her beauty, nor this small attraction to her aesthetic appearance.

Three Updates

Well, dear readers, there are many things concerning my sexual orientation which will be private for the time being, so therefore neither you nor anyone else will know about it. But I will tell you three things:

1) I will most probably "come out" to my parents in a few months. This is good news, indeed! I just hope my parents will react well and realize that, as an adult, I have to make my own responsible decisions regarding it.

2) I ask for prayers from all of you. Y'see, one of my girl friends asked me to go watch a movie with her; then have lunch afterwards. Now she knows about my same-sex attractions and is trying to help me out with it. But the thing is, while she's excited and thinking, "Yay! My friend and I are going to hang out!", I'm reminding myself constantly, "It's not a date. It's not a date. We're just two friends hanging out." So... prayers, please? To help me out in my struggle with same-sex attractions (SSA)? And thank you. :)

3) I think I'm finally over my crush on M. Thank God! I thought it'd never end! Now I'm just dealing with "Treat her like you treat your other friends". Dang. Tough after a crush, but okay.

Well, readers, that's all for now. I hope you have a great holiday today!

God bless,

Ximena

In the Church, I have found love and freedom

So a lot has happened. I've begun getting into contact with the priest in charge of the local Courage chapter in my region. I spoke to him about my sexuality (without mentioning any sexual orientation. I claim no sexual orientation), and I asked him if it would be OK for me to call him. He said "Yes", but he also said that we can only talk over the phone for a limited time due to certain reasons restricting the both of us.

But hey! This is great news! One step towards my non-labeling process while admitting my same-sex attractions to someone. A humbling experience, to say the least!

A lot more has happened. I think I'm probably over (or at least almost over) my crush on M. That's great news, as well!

Right now I feel the need to get back in touch with my Catholic faith. Giving up my labels has made me feel free and actually joyful, to say the least. Searching the Catholic Church for answers has made me feel even more free and joyful. (Not saying everybody has to give up labels because I know some of you find it comforting.)

All the same, I guess even through my joyfulness, there is a sorrow hidden within me. There's that thought that I experience same-sex attractions, and I wish to finally give it up once and for all. I know I read somewhere that in some cases you can cure someone of homosexuality or cure them to a certain degree (I believe I am probably the second option, but I'm open to all possibilities). Although this is not the case with everyone who experiences same-sex attraction, the book further explained that some with same-sex attraction are, really, just confused about their sexuality. Therapy helps some see their sexuality clearer, and in some cases helps separate the same-sex attraction from the original opposite-sex attraction. I think this may be the case for me, that I'm just confused about my sexuality. Not necessarily does that mean that I'm heterosexual, or rather: One who experiences opposite-sex attractions. After all, I just might be homosexual, or rather: I just might predominantly experience same-sex attractions. However, I want to explore every single possibility about myself and accept the Church's loving and understanding arms. 

In society, I have found people who are accepting and place labels in order to identify others. In the Church, I have found love and freedom. And I prefer love and freedom any day.

God bless,

Ximena

Don't You Worry, Child (Somewhat My Prayer)

A while back I was feeling down about my silly sexual orientation which makes no sense. But suddenly I heard these words in Pentatonix's Save the World/Don't You Worry Child:

...My Father said:

Don't you worry

Don't you worry, child

Heaven's got a plan for you

Don't you worry

Don't you worry, child...

I think God might've wanted me to hear that at that exact moment (emphasis on Father). Especially since I don't understand my sexual orientation. Sometimes I feel like saying "You know what? Let's make this simple. Let's call me a hetero-romantic homosexual and get this all over with." But at the same time, I feel like, "Well, what about the fact that I am at times not sexually attracted to anyone? What then?"

But then I remember those words and think of it as sort of a prayer:

My Father said:

Don't you worry

Don't you worry, child

Heaven's got a plan for you

Don't you worry

Don't you worry, child

I also made a petition at the Church's intentions book. I asked for a specific special intention. I'll give you a hint as to what it pertains to:

It concerns my curiosity about my sexual orientation.

I'd make a point here, but I don't think this is exactly making a point. Just ranting about myself.

Anyway, have a wonderful, lovely  evening!

God bless,

Ximena

Not a Label Anymore

Well! It's been a few days since I last wrote. That's because I've been seriously considering my sexual orientation again (I think too much, really). And I realized that maybe I've been preventing myself from feeling sexual attraction towards anyone. So for about a week, I allowed myself to be open to any sexual attraction to anyone. I felt, and still feel, no sexual attraction towards guys. But I've had instances where I felt slight sexual attraction towards girls. And, as I've always done, I lowered my head to avoid any further thoughts.

But I rest my case. I'm about as gray-ace as I can get. However, I don't want to anymore call myself by any label. Others may feel safe by calling themselves ace, others still might feel safe by calling themselves homosexual, but I don't like calling myself anything. Instead, give me the example of a guy and a girl who both hold my standards and then I will tell you what I am under those circumstances, as I'll proceed to show you:

Person: Given there are a boy and a girl who share your standards, who would you most likely get into a relationship with?

Me: With the guy. Not just because of my own personal beliefs, but also because I'd feel more romantically attracted to the guy. But I'd most likely feel a slight romantic attraction to the girl because of her holding the standards I require in a guy.

Person: So, who would you most likely feel sexual attracted to?

Me: I'd either feel sexually attracted to neither or feel a slight sexual attraction towards the girl. I've always been open to sexual attraction to guys, but have yet to actually be sexually attracted to guys. Whereas with girls, I feel a slight sexual attraction at times.

So could I be a bi-romantic (or even crazier enough: a hetero-romantic) homosexual? It's possible. But also the way I experience it and am able to get it under control almost instantly... I could also pass quite easily as a gray-ace as well.

Here's the thing: when I was twelve, I controlled my desires so much for girls that I never felt any sexual attraction. I only felt romantic attraction for guys. Any feeling of any sort of attraction towards girls was eliminated almost immediately by my looking downwards (a habit I still seem to carry around as a sort-of "safety badge"). So I considered myself asexual as soon as I learned about asexuality, because of my strong romantic, yet lacking in sexual, attraction to guys. But when I really re-thought my attraction to girls, I wondered, "What if?"

So now what am I going to do? Give people that conversation I just typed out. Or I might call myself a "hetero-romantic homosexual" just to amuse people. Or even better: Call myself a "bi-romantic homosexual—gray-asexual with more of a hetero-romantic attraction yet with traces of a homosexual tendency." But, to avoid any confusion, I want to just label myself as "one who is slightly sexually attracted to the same sex yet is mostly romantically attracted to the opposite sex."

Does that mean I will be deleting this blog just because I've decided on just a simple label which is easily changeable? Not at all! After all, I guess I still fit in the asexual spectrum. And I want there to be asexual awareness anyway, just as I want awareness for every minority group. I just don't want to fit into any category of people. (Did I mention I don't really like labels because I somewhat feel like it's restricting me? Not everyone feels this way, but I kinda do. Therefore I don't want the label anymore, nor any sort of label.) I will keep this blog up for all who want to benefit from my interestingly confusing journey and who wish to understand asexuality more completely. So I won't be deleting this. I'll keep this up, along with all my rants about my confusing sexual orientation. If any of you wish to call me a "gray-ace", "gray-sexual" or even a "homosexual" for your own written purposes or for any other sort of purpose, feel free to use either label! Just notify me before you make such a move. It really doesn't matter to me what label you decide to use for me, but I'd like to clarify for myself that someone's using a specific label for me. Meanwhile, I'll be open to all future possibilities about my sexual orientation.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rambling. Chat later!

God bless,

Ximena

Let Her Go (again)

You see her when you close your eyes...

...You see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

'Cause you loved her too much

And you dived too deep...

...Maybe one day you'll understand why...

You... only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go.

Let this be enough for today's blog post.

God bless,

Ximena

A Crush Problem

So today M emailed me. Again. And I was thinking about quickly responding to her, but the problem is that if I respond to her, she'll begin really suspecting that I have a crush on her. I mean, everybody knows me as the girl who does not respond quickly to people unless I have a crush on that person. So she'd end up really suspecting I have a crush on her.

The worst part is, like I've probably mentioned before, she knows I have a crush on a girl. She just doesn't know who it is.

But anyway, I still can't help but think of a million replies to give in response to her email. Each one different from the other, some more personal and some less personal. It's really weird.

I plan on emailing her tomorrow though. I'm really, really aiming for that. So unless I have something important coming up tomorrow, I'm emailing her!

——•——

You know, after having my crush on M for about two months now, I realize that it's not so bad. It's not so weird. I mean, that doesn't change the fact that I'm against my marrying her or any girl for that matter, but still. I just don't find it as strange anymore. It's just a part of me. God loves me, God loves you, He wants us all in heaven with Him: say no more.

God bless,

Ximena